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    安妮·霍爾國語

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    分類:喜劇片美國1977

    主演:伍迪·艾倫  黛安·基頓  謝莉·杜瓦爾  保羅·西蒙  卡羅爾·凱恩  克里斯托弗·沃肯  西格妮·韋弗  ?

    導(dǎo)演:伍迪·艾倫?

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     劇照

    安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.1安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.2安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.3安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.4安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.5安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.6安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.16安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.17安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.18安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.19安妮·霍爾國語 劇照 NO.20

    劇情介紹

      喜劇演員艾維·辛格(伍迪·艾倫 Woody Allen 飾)是這樣一個(gè)人:非常介意自己的猶太人的出身;自認(rèn)為有童年陰影,看了十六年心理醫(yī)生沒見好轉(zhuǎn)卻一直付錢看;有點(diǎn)阿Q精神,但對人生卻充滿消極;喜歡一直講無聊的笑話。正因?yàn)樽陨淼纳窠?jīng)質(zhì)特質(zhì),艾維經(jīng)歷了兩次失敗的婚姻?! “S 遇到了安妮(黛安·基頓 Diane Keaton 飾)――一直夢想成為歌星的女孩,兩人漸漸墮入愛河。安妮在艾維的幫助下歌唱技巧迅速提高,但她的父母卻反對她與艾維來往。  安妮得到了唱片商托尼的注意,獲邀前往好萊塢灌錄唱片,艾維跟著前往了好萊塢向安妮求婚。

     長篇影評

     1 ) 愛總是一個(gè)太柔弱的詞

    伍迪艾倫在他的著作《門薩的娼妓》中曾做了這樣的設(shè)想,他專為高智商的知識分子們設(shè)計(jì)了一種娼妓服務(wù)。這些娼妓擁有高深的文學(xué)造詣,能夠?yàn)椤伴T薩們”提供精神交歡的需求。他們可以暢談學(xué)術(shù),可以聊一聊象征主義,甚至可以將梅爾維爾和霍桑上升到比較文學(xué)的范疇,以補(bǔ)償他們在享受男女肉體歡樂中所缺失的精神交流。這是伍迪艾倫的美好愿望:一種精神和肉體雙重享受的男女關(guān)系新模式。

          知識分子總是在尋找著一種性靈契合的愛情。但是徘徊之后才恍然發(fā)現(xiàn),完美的愛情根本不存在,男女關(guān)系總是非理性、瘋狂甚至是荒謬的。但是“就像雞需要雞蛋一樣,人們還是需要這一切”。伍迪艾倫可不接受好萊塢的空洞華麗,他可能是這個(gè)世界上為數(shù)不多的堅(jiān)定的懷疑論者之一?;蛘呔腿珉娪爸邪材菡f的那樣:不信任這個(gè)世界,看什么都像是有陰謀。

          伍迪艾倫本人和片子中的埃爾維如出一轍。這也是一部被稱為他半自傳式的電影。埃爾維就是這樣的一個(gè)人:猶太人、喜劇演員,喋喋不休的完美主義者、懷疑論者,有過兩次失敗的婚姻。電影的主線落在他的第三段愛情上,那是關(guān)于安妮霍爾的故事。

          安妮這樣的女人確實(shí)有魅力。埃爾維與她初次相識是在網(wǎng)球場上。她是那種能把禮帽、領(lǐng)帶、夾克和襯衫穿出時(shí)尚的女人。緊張的時(shí)候會(huì)爆出有趣的調(diào)子。他們一見鐘情,但埃爾維有他知識分子的古怪習(xí)性,希望安妮與他在肉體的親密之外有更過精神世界的交流。于是他成為了安妮的精神導(dǎo)師,在它們的關(guān)系中因?yàn)樗麄儗?dǎo)向性的優(yōu)勢,他牢牢地握著安妮以及重新塑造她的樂趣。而她為他的見地而傾倒,她愿意隨他的意志去完善其身。

          只是,愛情由濃轉(zhuǎn)淡是多么容易的事,和茶由熱轉(zhuǎn)涼一樣是在一瞬間,即使埃爾維也清楚地知道“愛本來就是一個(gè)太柔弱的詞匯”。他們漸漸對彼此不滿,生活中充斥著爭論。安妮在完善自我中,得到了許多埃爾維也始料未及的收獲。她與她在大學(xué)旁聽的文學(xué)課程的教室親密起來,她的唱歌事業(yè)也有了起色,世界也變得豐富起來。她變得有想法、有觀點(diǎn),而埃爾維糾結(jié)于他給予的指引帶來了安妮所擁有的一切。他們爭吵,最終分開。其實(shí),他們自己和我們?nèi)魏稳艘粯佣记宄孛髁恕皭蹠?huì)消退”的道理。

         這是一次對愛情的檢索,在它最想要達(dá)到的那個(gè)境界中,它失敗了。如伍迪艾倫說的:它是那種以爭吵不休、相互怨恨、變得尖刻而告終的分手----它是以兩人之間形成了美好而溫暖的朋友關(guān)系而告終的。那或許也算是某種形式的補(bǔ)償。在人們興致勃勃于占據(jù)絕對主導(dǎo)的美好愛情故事面前,伍迪艾倫的電影拋出的是毫不留情的剖析,沒有完美的假象,只有生活的真實(shí)。他的觀點(diǎn)里或許是沒有愛情這種東西的存在,或者,愛情本來就是一瞬間的,從不長久存在。這個(gè)堅(jiān)定的懷疑論者只信任性和死亡。如果三分之二的婚姻是慣性的使然,只有余下的三分之一是愛情,那么我們都還走在尋覓的途中,就像“大多數(shù)人都需要雞蛋”一樣。

     2 ) 虛幻的危機(jī)——從伍迪·艾倫的《安妮·霍爾》到《丈夫和妻子》

    男人的自信建立在與各種不同類型的女人的接觸,以及這些女人們對他的接受程度之上。——索爾·貝婁

    禿頂、性能力減退、覺得生活無意義、開始關(guān)注死亡——典型的伍迪·艾倫式的中年危機(jī)象征。很難想象,伍迪·艾倫的中年危機(jī)感從42歲拍《安妮·霍爾》開始(也許更早)一直持續(xù)到57歲時(shí)拍《丈夫和妻子》(也許會(huì)一直持續(xù)下去)。
    在1977年拍攝的《安妮·霍爾》中,伍迪·艾倫扮演一個(gè)高明的喜劇演員阿爾維(Alvy),他非常幽默,見解精辟,對女人很有吸引力。他初次遇見安妮·霍爾是在網(wǎng)球場上,安妮顯然對他一見鐘情。和阿爾維的前兩任太太不同(第一任是一個(gè)毫無情趣的劇場工作人員,第二任是一個(gè)熱衷于社交卻毫不關(guān)心正常生活的做作的女人),年輕的安妮顯得純真、質(zhì)樸而不乏個(gè)性(她居然可以穿襯衫、馬甲、打領(lǐng)帶)。阿爾維很快便和安妮陷入熱戀中。
    成熟淵博的阿爾維立刻成為了安妮的精神向?qū)?,他推薦她看書(全是關(guān)于死亡主題的,因?yàn)槟鞘前柧S最關(guān)心的話題);建議她去大學(xué)旁聽文學(xué)課以提高修養(yǎng);總是帶她去看同一部戰(zhàn)爭電影(阿爾維是猶太人,每次看這部電影都會(huì)潸然淚下);他去酒吧聽安妮唱歌,并給她鼓勵(lì)……安妮很崇拜阿爾維。在戀愛關(guān)系開始不久后,她想搬去和阿爾維同住。她的想法遭到了抵制情緒,阿爾維并不想和她同居,而是保持一種游刃有余的狀態(tài)?!叭绻≡谝黄?,那和結(jié)婚有什么區(qū)別呢?”這時(shí)阿爾維顯然居于情感的上峰,他對自己中年男人的魅力充滿了自信,他確信安妮在情感上完全臣服于自己,而他不想把自己束縛在單調(diào)的家庭生活中。
    不久,情況發(fā)生了改變。危機(jī)悄悄從暗處浮出水面。首先阿爾維發(fā)現(xiàn)安妮在每次作愛前總是要吸大麻,她說她須要借此放松,而他認(rèn)為她不能全身心投入。然后他發(fā)現(xiàn)她和大學(xué)教授“打得火熱”(而正是他建議她去旁聽大學(xué)課程),于是他跟蹤并質(zhì)問她,得到的回答卻是“是你不想做出承諾,是你要求保持互不干涉的關(guān)系!”這時(shí)阿爾維覺得事情漸漸開始逃逸于自己的掌握之外——他不再是一個(gè)控制者。
    安妮在酒吧的歌唱事業(yè)有了起色,她開始有仰慕者,開始參加派對,開始表達(dá)自己的想法,開始和阿爾維爭吵。最終他們決裂,安妮去了加州發(fā)展自己的事業(yè)(也許是開始一段新戀情)。安妮的離去,使得阿爾維徹底陷入了癱瘓狀態(tài)。他無法思考,對自己失去信心,終于,他決定去加州找回安妮。一見到安妮,他就開始裝可憐,訴說自己身體如何不適,想以此來達(dá)到效果(安妮也曾經(jīng)在兩人的冷戰(zhàn)中裝可憐,在寂寞的夜里以浴室里有巨大的蜘蛛為由騙阿爾維來看望她,阿爾維也非常配合),可是安妮毫不理會(huì);他提出結(jié)婚請求安妮回到身邊,可是安妮顯然已經(jīng)有了自己的生活,最終兩人不歡而散。
    后來阿爾維常常在不同的場合看見安妮賣弄著從他這里批發(fā)來的高明見解,可是那已經(jīng)是一個(gè)獨(dú)立的安妮,和他再也沒有什么關(guān)系了。而他總也搞不清楚為什么安妮和他分了手。
    至此,伍迪·艾倫在影片開頭的獨(dú)白中所謂的危機(jī)感得以層層剝落、凸顯。一旦感受到危機(jī),就會(huì)對很多東西產(chǎn)生不信任,對身邊的人不信任,對自己不信任,阿爾維顯然還沒有學(xué)會(huì)適應(yīng)和處理危機(jī)。到了1992年拍攝的《丈夫和妻子》,這種危機(jī)感成為更為現(xiàn)實(shí)的一種生活化描述。危機(jī)感不再是一種虛無飄渺的焦慮引申(例如謝頂),而是切實(shí)的對現(xiàn)有生活喪失信任。
    Gabe和Judy、Jack和Sally是兩對夫婦,而且是密友。Gabe(伍迪·艾倫扮演)是一位大學(xué)教授業(yè)余從事小說創(chuàng)作,他懷疑妻子為了生孩子而偷偷不吃避孕藥(明顯的不信任),而他的妻子Judy總是覺得丈夫不再愛自己,因?yàn)樯钸^于平淡,一如既往,沒有新鮮感。所以,Gabe和一個(gè)聰明的學(xué)生Rain眉來眼去(而Rain病態(tài)地只傾向于老男人),Judy愛上了高大帥氣的同事Michael。
    Jack一直是一個(gè)忠于家庭的安穩(wěn)的丈夫(雖然一直覺得妻子Sally在性生活上很冷淡),直到有一天他的朋友給了介紹了一位電話女郎(美國的高價(jià)妓女)。一度風(fēng)流過后,他再也不想過平板無味的生活,于是開始和一位性感的健美女教練交往。Sally在一次偶然的機(jī)會(huì)中發(fā)現(xiàn)了丈夫的不忠,從此自尊心受到了打擊,聲稱要過單身生活。
    然而,當(dāng)每個(gè)人都脫離原有生活軌道去尋求新的刺激時(shí),卻又產(chǎn)生了新的落差。
    Gabe認(rèn)為Rain是個(gè)不凡的學(xué)生,他非常在意甚至是迷信她對自己作品的看法,可是一次乘出租車,Rain竟然把Gabe的小說忘在了車上。當(dāng)他們終于找到小說時(shí),敏感的Gabe已經(jīng)產(chǎn)生了危機(jī)感(在片中有一個(gè)小細(xì)節(jié),出租車司機(jī)以為Rain是Gabe的漂亮女兒,這是一個(gè)很明顯的中年危機(jī)暗示)。Rain邀請Gabe去參加她的二十一歲生日派對,那天下著雷雨,突然停電了,Rain和Gabe就躲到了閣樓上,Rain想引誘Gabe,可是Gabe卻被某種莫名的壓迫感包圍,他不停擔(dān)心閃電會(huì)劈死自己,他表現(xiàn)得惴惴不安、舉止失常,最后,他冒雨離開了。后來,他和Judy離了婚。Judy和Michael結(jié)了婚,但也并非一帆風(fēng)順。Judy生性恬退隱忍、以退為進(jìn),她很中意Michael,卻把他介紹給了剛剛受到情感挫折的好友Sally。在Michael和Sally的交往過程中,她一直扮演一個(gè)旁觀者,看著別人的幸福,將自己置于尷尬之境。最后Sally和前夫復(fù)婚,Judy才得以和Michael結(jié)婚。表面上她是以退為進(jìn)的贏家,其實(shí)又何嘗不是被瑣屑的生活、逝去的魅力困擾著。
    比較戲劇化的是Sally和Jack這對夫婦。Jack在離婚后很快地投入了短暫而“幸?!钡纳睿徒∶澜叹毢蒙狭?,而且認(rèn)為自己找到了真正的歸宿。可是不久,他就發(fā)現(xiàn)了健美教練是個(gè)沒有頭腦、庸俗無聊的女人,完全不能融入他的圈子,而且死纏爛打。這讓他根本無法忍受(伍迪·艾倫經(jīng)常用撞車來表現(xiàn)情緒的失控和困境,在《安妮·霍爾》中,阿爾維在安妮離去時(shí)想發(fā)動(dòng)汽車追安妮,卻不停地與停在四周的汽車相撞;Jack面對歇斯底里的健美教練時(shí)亦然)。于是他沖回了原來的家,要求與Sally復(fù)合。Sally雖然接受了Judy為她介紹的Michael,但始終沒有從婚姻的挫折中恢復(fù)過來,她認(rèn)為Jack愛她,但是又絲毫不能忍受Jack和別的女人來往。在他們離婚后,她一度擺出單身的姿態(tài),但那只是姿態(tài),她知道自己需要一個(gè)人陪伴。所以,當(dāng)Jack道歉后,她又回到了他身邊。他們開始學(xué)會(huì)互相協(xié)調(diào),開始準(zhǔn)備相伴到老,他們明白生活不可能盡善盡美,他們只能向無法解決的性問題妥協(xié)以換得平靜的生活。
    人必須克服危機(jī),這是生命的要求。即使喪失了對生活的信任,人還是得生活。大家在躲避危機(jī)的時(shí)候,兜了一個(gè)大圈子,最后發(fā)現(xiàn)只有和危機(jī)相融合,將危機(jī)視為必然,才能和危機(jī)和睦相處。這是從《安妮·霍爾》到《丈夫和妻子》的發(fā)展。
    有趣的是,不管伍迪·艾倫在電影中是怎樣的盡心盡力從不同角度敘述那種無所不在的叫做“危機(jī)”的東西,在現(xiàn)實(shí)生活中,伍迪·艾倫好像從未被危機(jī)感打倒。從露易絲·拉瑟到黛安·基頓,到與他同居十一年的米亞·法蘿(《丈夫和妻子》中Judy的扮演者),他把私人生活和演藝事業(yè)結(jié)合得極為緊密,而且無往不利。年齡、禿頂、性欲減退都不是問題,在他漸入老境之際,他仍然扮演著控制者的角色——與米亞·法蘿分手,和他們倆收養(yǎng)的韓國女孩結(jié)婚。他也許會(huì)經(jīng)常受到危機(jī)的困擾,但是,那只是暫時(shí)的,過段時(shí)間一切都會(huì)好起來,就像Gabe總得寫一部新的小說一樣。在電影中他對危機(jī)作細(xì)致入微的分析,使得他在生活中可以對危機(jī)這個(gè)東西享有絕對的主動(dòng)權(quán)。
    http://www.blogcn.com//user62/artcenter/blog/25017172.html

     3 ) 我需要的,只不過是一個(gè)安妮霍爾。

    其實(shí)我在很久之前的一期環(huán)球銀幕上就見過這個(gè)老頭,略顯傻氣的發(fā)型配上一副碩大的黑色框架高度近視眼鏡,當(dāng)時(shí)留給我的印象并不深刻,直到最近的《午夜巴黎》我去查了電影的資料才反應(yīng)過來,原來這個(gè)老頭就是伍迪艾倫。對于有十足文藝范的導(dǎo)演,我總是沒有免疫力。
    周一去上電影史的時(shí)候,老師在跟我們探討對于一部電影來說,最重要的到底是由光影組成的畫面構(gòu)圖,還是演員的對白臺詞。要拿好萊塢的大片說事,那逼真的特技處理和美輪美奐的場景畫面產(chǎn)生強(qiáng)烈的帶入感,讓觀眾走進(jìn)電影院就像是去親身的經(jīng)歷一場冒險(xiǎn)一樣,必定是畫面占了最主要的地位,而且說實(shí)話,由于文化的差異,電影里就算有些讓美國人叫好的臺詞,我們未必能明白它的意義,對于這部《安妮霍爾》也是一樣,里面的臺詞說的太多又太快,是妙語連珠,但觀眾反應(yīng)過來,情節(jié)就不知道會(huì)錯(cuò)過多少了。但最近《失戀33天》的票房奇跡,又讓我們不得不反思這個(gè)問題,就情節(jié)而論,《失戀》實(shí)在是太過單薄也太過俗套,也許是小成本制作的原因,整個(gè)畫面也顯得灰蒙蒙的,顯然沒有精心的去調(diào)過色,它出彩的無非就是文章的反串和臺詞的精彩,這點(diǎn)跟馮小剛式的電影很像。中國人喜歡聽段子,那么就用幾個(gè)精彩的段子把電影拼湊起來,就再對味不過了。
    就這樣看來,中國人應(yīng)當(dāng)是會(huì)喜歡這個(gè)總愛碎碎念的伍迪艾倫。
    影片從艾維辛格的小時(shí)候開始講起,大量的旁白和臺詞,就像在讀一部書一樣,一一介紹這是誰,這又是誰,我是個(gè)怎樣的人,我為什么會(huì)養(yǎng)成這樣的性格,等到觀眾無比熟悉了這個(gè)主角像認(rèn)識多年的老朋友一樣的時(shí)候,后面的情節(jié)就好展開了。艾維辛格的三任妻子其實(shí)都有一個(gè)共性,她們似乎聽得懂這個(gè)喜劇演員在說什么,她們會(huì)與他順暢的交流而不會(huì)打斷他,說你是不是太啰嗦了一點(diǎn),在聊到藝術(shù)的時(shí)候,這種交流感更加的強(qiáng)烈,雖然全是東一句西一句的說得相當(dāng)零散,有很多時(shí)候,你聽他說了一長串話都只是為了說一件事情而且詞不達(dá)意,這點(diǎn),在開篇艾維辛格的那一長串自白時(shí)就已經(jīng)相當(dāng)?shù)拿黠@。他在想他自己是個(gè)什么樣的人,并將會(huì)變成一個(gè)什么樣的人,這全部的思考和混亂,都是由于安妮霍爾離開他了。
    艾維說:“就像巴爾扎克說的:這是一部新的小說。”
    安妮回:“很棒是吧?”
    艾維:“很棒?是的,豈止很棒,這簡直是我獲得的不發(fā)出笑聲的最大樂趣了?!?br>這段對話其實(shí)完全可以省略為艾維說這很棒,安妮回我也覺得。但艾維卻長篇廢話一通,自以為很幽默的,但重點(diǎn)卻是安妮聽懂了他在說什么,并且可以理解并享受他的幽默,這點(diǎn)最難能可貴。
    艾維是個(gè)喜劇演員,很幽默,就連吵架時(shí)都會(huì)帶有幽默感
    安妮說:“我沒來例假。每次我稍微有點(diǎn)不對勁,你就說我來例假了! ”
    艾維回:“你還可以再喊得響一點(diǎn),我想那邊還有一位沒聽見?!?br>還有很多類似的讓人忍俊不禁的對白,但他也很會(huì)狡辯,安妮要搬進(jìn)他的公寓,事實(shí)上他有百萬個(gè)不愿意,但他卻說事實(shí)上是安妮這樣想的,但是,他也立刻同意了。他給安妮買了很多本有關(guān)于死亡的書,又鼓勵(lì)她去參加成人教育,以為這樣做能讓安妮覺得自己很深刻,卻讓安妮覺得自己被看低了,在這之后他又懷疑安妮跟客座教授有一腿,又百般阻撓安妮去上課。他鼓勵(lì)安妮大膽的唱歌,說她的嗓音很好聽,卻在安妮真正被人看上準(zhǔn)備與她簽約的時(shí)候,無比的煩惱。
    在很大程度上,也許艾維自己都不知道他想要的安妮是什么樣子的,怕她太膚淺太不自信,又害怕她太聰明太耀眼被其他人看上?;貧w到現(xiàn)實(shí)生活中來,也有太多這樣的例子,男孩遇上一個(gè)沒有心機(jī)涉世未深的單純女孩子,就像找到了一塊白紙一樣,開始把他喜歡的顏色涂上去,等到這塊白紙變成一幅美妙的畫的時(shí)候,女孩卻有了更好的未來,于是狠下心來把男孩拋棄,卻殊不知失去了男孩以后,她很快又會(huì)變成那個(gè)沒有人在意的白紙。
    不得不說的是,有一些人他之所以會(huì)那么耀眼,很大原因都在于他遇上了什么人,安妮有很好的思維能力和口才,若不是遇見了艾維,她也許永遠(yuǎn)都施展不開,艾維有些膽小又喜歡神神叨叨,若不是碰上能聽懂她說話又一樣大驚小怪的安妮,他也許更多時(shí)候都會(huì)呈現(xiàn)出無語的狀態(tài)。
    我知道這聽起來非常的荒謬以至于無法理解,但事實(shí)就是這樣,你要遇見了一個(gè)跟你合拍的人,生活才會(huì)完美,有人懂你的好,那好才會(huì)有意義。就算是發(fā)神經(jīng)般的胡鬧,只要有個(gè)人認(rèn)為你是正常的,那你就不會(huì)顯得那么傻了。安妮之于艾維就是這樣的人,反過來也一樣成立。只是他們在很多時(shí)候都不是很清楚自己想要的東西到底是什么,才會(huì)如此的迷茫最終錯(cuò)過。
    所以,若是你的生命中曾經(jīng)出現(xiàn)過安妮,那就千萬不要讓她只是路過,也許在當(dāng)下你覺得她不夠好或是不愿意承認(rèn)她有那么好,好到你會(huì)為了她一通電話,放下一頓刺激的美色大餐,凌晨3點(diǎn)跑到她的公寓里只為了一只看起來碩大無比的蜘蛛,那么就不要因?yàn)樗囊恍┤秉c(diǎn)或者是一些觀念的相左而放棄她,在她變成你想要的樣子的時(shí)候,在她變得有自己的想法的時(shí)候,在她被更多人喜歡的時(shí)候,你要做的,就是緊緊的抱住她,告訴她,你有多愛她。
    “再一次見到安妮,我真的很高興。我意識到她是一個(gè)多么好的人,能認(rèn)識她是一件多么有趣的事。我想起了那個(gè)老笑話,你知道,有個(gè)家伙去看精神病醫(yī)生,他說:“大夫,我兄弟瘋了,他以為他自己是一只雞?!贬t(yī)生說:“那你怎么不把他帶來?”那家伙說:“我是想帶他來的,可是我需要雞蛋呀。”你看,我想這就是現(xiàn)在我對男女之間關(guān)系的感覺,你知道,它是完全非理性的、瘋狂的,甚至荒謬的,但是我想我們還一直要經(jīng)歷這一切,因?yàn)槲覀兇蠖鄶?shù)人都需要雞蛋?!?/div>

     4 ) 我們都需要雞蛋(經(jīng)典臺詞)

    伍迪·艾倫真能說呀,我聽都聽得口干舌燥。許多橋段反復(fù)看過幾遍。至少有十次,伍迪·艾倫惹得我驚呼我操,捶床大笑。邊看邊記錄其中的臺詞,一部90分鐘的電影我看完花去至少200分鐘。
    記錄的一些臺詞:
      
    —我沒來例假。每次我稍微有點(diǎn)不對勁,你就說我來例假了!
    —你還可以再喊得響一點(diǎn),我想那邊還有一位沒聽見。

    —我真希望現(xiàn)在手里有一只裝滿了馬糞的大襪套。

    —你剛才說“我們的性生活有問題”是什么意思?對于一個(gè)在布魯克林長大的人來說,我還是比較正常的。
    —非常抱歉,是我的性生活有問題,行了吧?我的性生活有問題!
    —啊咳!我沒讀過那個(gè),那是亨利·詹姆斯的小說,對嗎?是《螺絲在旋緊》的續(xù)篇?《我的性生活》?

    —我正在做我的學(xué)位論文。
    —論題是什么?
    —“二十世紀(jì)文學(xué)的政治任務(wù)”。
    —這么說你屬于紐約猶太人、左翼自由派知識分子、住在中央公園西街、上布蘭德斯大學(xué)、參加社會(huì)主義夏令營、經(jīng)常罷工、父親喜歡本·肖恩的畫,對嗎?……如果你覺得我像個(gè)十足的白癡,你盡可以打斷我。

    —有意思的是,我曾和艾森豪威爾班子里的一位女士約會(huì)過,時(shí)間不長。在我看來這真是很滑稽,因?yàn)槲蚁胍獙λ龅氖拢前劳栐谶^去八年里一直對這個(gè)國家做的。

    —林登·約翰遜。
    —林登·約翰遜?林登·約翰遜是個(gè)政客!你知道那些家伙的道德觀,他們比兒童騷擾犯還要低一個(gè)檔次。
    —那么每一個(gè)人都參與了陰謀?聯(lián)邦調(diào)查局、中央情報(bào)局、約翰·埃德加·胡佛,還有石油公司、五角大樓,再加白宮衛(wèi)生間里的服務(wù)生?
    —我看衛(wèi)生間里的服務(wù)生可以排除掉。

    —我真受夠了整晚和那些干“痢疾”活的人進(jìn)行假惺惺的探討。
    —干“評論”活的人。
    —哦,是嗎?我怎么聽說“評論”和“異議”已經(jīng)合并成了“痢疾”?

    —兩分鐘前,尼克斯隊(duì)還領(lǐng)先14分,可現(xiàn)在他們只領(lǐng)先2分了。
    —艾爾維,一幫子腦垂體變異的怪胎忙活著將一只圓球塞進(jìn)一個(gè)鐵圈子里究竟有什么吸引人的呢?
    —吸引人的地方在于這是體力活。而有關(guān)智力的往往是,知識分子看起來很才華橫溢,實(shí)際上卻狗屁不通。所以,身體從不口是心非。
      
    —(求歡未遂)為什么你總是把我的動(dòng)物本能降格到心理分析的范疇?

    —你網(wǎng)球打得很棒,但是你的車開得是我這輩子見到過的最糟的。在任何地方都是最糟的,歐洲,英國,任何地方,亞洲。不過我喜歡你的穿著。

    —這條領(lǐng)帶是格萊美·霍爾給我的禮物。
    —誰?格萊美?誰是格萊美·霍爾?
    —是我的格萊美奶奶。
    —怎么回事?難道你是在諾曼·羅克威爾的畫中長大的嗎?你的格萊美奶奶?

    —希爾薇婭·普拉斯,很有個(gè)性的女詩人,她的自殺悲劇在一些大學(xué)女生們看來居然很浪漫。
    —她的有些詩看上去很優(yōu)雅。
    —優(yōu)雅?我不得不提醒你現(xiàn)在是1975年。你知道,優(yōu)雅在本世紀(jì)初就已經(jīng)消亡了。

    —(內(nèi)心獨(dú)白)天哪,我的話聽上去像是調(diào)頻廣播。放松點(diǎn)!

    —你星期五晚上有事嗎?
    —我?(驚喜)哦,沒有!
    —噢,對不起,等等,我有事!星期六晚上呢?
    —沒有,沒有。

    —你知道嗎?我甚至沒上過這方面的課。
    —聽著,聽著,吻我一下。
    —真的嗎?
    —為什么不?因?yàn)槲覀儠?huì)呆到很晚才回家,是嗎?我們還沒有接過吻,所有總有些不自在,我會(huì)一直在想該什么時(shí)候吻你之類。所以我們現(xiàn)在吻一下,就可以克服緊張,然后我們就可以去吃飯了,行嗎?(接吻)
    —好了,現(xiàn)在我們可以去消化食物了。

    —(做愛后)就像巴爾扎克說的:“這是一部新的小說?!?br>—很棒是吧?
    —很棒?是的,豈止很棒,這簡直是我獲得的不發(fā)出笑聲的最大樂趣了。
      
    —(吸大麻)吸一口?
    —不,我不用任何致幻藥。因?yàn)槲乙郧拔^一次,大概五年前在一次聚會(huì)上。
    —結(jié)果呢?
    —結(jié)果是我試圖把我的褲子從頭上脫下來,卡在我的一只耳朵上了。

    —我的公寓很小。
    —我知道它很小。
    —而且水管壞了,還有很多蟲子。
    —水管壞了,很多蟲子,聽起來好像是壞事似的。你知道蟲子是……昆蟲學(xué)是一門正在快速發(fā)展的學(xué)科。
    —你不愿意我和你住在一起?
    —我不愿意你和我住在一起?誰這樣想的?
    —我。
    —事實(shí)上是你這樣想的,但是,我也立刻同意了。

    —你不會(huì)想讓我們看起來像是結(jié)婚了吧?
    —有什么區(qū)別嗎?
    —你有你的住處,那么就是有區(qū)別。因?yàn)樗谀莾?,盡管我們可以不去住,可以不去管它,但是它就像一只在水面上漂著的救生筏,有了它,我們就知道我們沒有結(jié)婚。

    —那混蛋教《西方男人的當(dāng)代危機(jī)》,這都是什么垃圾課程啊,簡直令人難以置信!
    —是《俄國文學(xué)中的存在主義主題》好不好?你說的真靠譜??!
    —有什么區(qū)別嗎?反正都是一些精神上的自瀆。
    —噢,是啊,我們終于聊到你有所了解的題目了!
    —咳,別貶低自瀆!那是和我愛的人做愛。

    —你知道,在我很小的時(shí)候,我就總是找錯(cuò)女人,我想我的問題就出在這里。當(dāng)我媽媽帶我去看《白雪公主》的時(shí)候,人人都愛上了白雪公主,而我卻對刻毒的皇后一見傾心。

    —快看!上帝從男洗手間出來了。

    —蜘蛛在哪兒?在衛(wèi)生間?
    —在衛(wèi)生間?!?,別拍得稀爛。打死以后,用水沖進(jìn)馬桶,多沖兩次。
    —親愛的,我從三十歲起就開始?xì)⒅┲肓?,放心了嗎?br>
    —我想讓你看看我的房子,我住在休·海弗納的隔壁,麥克斯,他允許我用他的水流按摩浴缸。還有女人,麥克斯,她們都和《花花公子》里的女郎一樣,所不同的是她們的手腳都會(huì)動(dòng)。
    —我無法相信這真的是貝弗莉山莊。天哪,這兒真干凈。
    —那是因?yàn)檫@里的人不扔垃圾,他們把垃圾都扔進(jìn)電視節(jié)目里去了。

    —現(xiàn)在它只是一個(gè)想法,我想我可以弄到錢把它變成一個(gè)概念,然后再把它轉(zhuǎn)變成一種思想。

    —哪一個(gè)?
    —那個(gè)有“見褲線”的。
    —“見褲線”?
    —看得見內(nèi)褲的線。麥克斯,她太漂亮了。
    —是呀,她得10分,對你來說太重要了,因?yàn)槟憷鲜钦抑挥?分的,不是嗎?
    —我沒找過只有2分的,麥克斯。
    —你習(xí)慣于找那種手里拎著購物袋、臉上戴著醫(yī)生用的大口罩、嘴里嘟嘟囔囔地走過中央公園的姑娘。
    —瞧,這一對怎么樣?
    —我想她正朝我這邊看。
    —要是她過來的話,麥克斯,我的腦袋瓜會(huì)變成鱷梨醬的。
    —我來應(yīng)付……嗨!

    —艾爾維,讓我們面對現(xiàn)實(shí)吧。你知道,我不認(rèn)為我們的關(guān)系會(huì)有出路。
    —我知道,這種關(guān)系我認(rèn)為就像一條鯊魚,它必須不停地往前游,否則就會(huì)死掉。我認(rèn)為在我們手里的,是一條已經(jīng)死掉了的鯊魚。

    —這本《麥田里的守望者》是誰的?
    —如果有我的名字在上面,那么我猜就是我的。
    —當(dāng)然有,你在我所有的書上都寫上了你的名字,因?yàn)槟懔系搅诉@一天遲早會(huì)來。
    —聽著,所有有關(guān)死亡的書都是你的,所有有關(guān)詩歌的書都是我的。
    —這本《拒絕死亡》你還記得嗎?這是我給你買的第一本書。
    —噢,上帝,是的。天哪,我感到我背后的負(fù)擔(dān)減輕了很多。
    —多謝了,親愛的。

    —咳,這個(gè)是我的,這顆徽章,還記得嗎?……我想,這些都是你的,“彈劾艾森豪威爾”“彈劾尼克松”“彈劾林登·約翰遜”“彈劾羅納德·里根”……

    —再一次見到安妮,我真的很高興。我意識到她是一個(gè)多么好的人,能認(rèn)識她是一件多么有趣的事。我想起了那個(gè)老笑話,你知道,有個(gè)家伙去看精神病醫(yī)生,他說:“大夫,我兄弟瘋了,他以為他自己是一只雞。”醫(yī)生說:“那你怎么不把他帶來?”那家伙說:“我是想帶他來的,可是我需要雞蛋呀。”你看,我想這就是現(xiàn)在我對男女之間關(guān)系的感覺,你知道,它是完全非理性的、瘋狂的,甚至荒謬的,但是我想我們還一直要經(jīng)歷這一切,因?yàn)槲覀兇蠖鄶?shù)人都需要雞蛋。

     5 ) 英文臺詞

    There's an old joke. Two elderly women are at a Catskill Mountain resort -One of 'em says, “The food at this place is really terrible.” -The other one says, “Yeah, I know. And such small portions.” -That's essentially how I feel about life -Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness -And it's all over much too quickly -The other important joke for me is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx -I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. -It goes like this - I'm paraphrasing. I would never wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member -That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women -Lately the strangest things have been going through my mind -Cos I turned , and I guess I'm going through a life crisis -I'm not worried about ageing. Although I'm balding slightly on top -That's about the worst you can say about me -I think I'm gonna get better as I get older -I think I'm gonna be the balding virile type -as opposed to, say, the distinguished grey, for instance -Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva dribbling out of his mouth -who wanders into a cafeteria with a shopping bag -screaming about socialism -Annie and I broke up. And I still can't get my mind around that -I keep sifting the pieces of the relationship through my mind -examining my life, and trying to figure out - where did the screwup come? -A year ago we were… in love, you know -And… It's funny… I'm not a morose type. I'm not a depressive character -I… I… You know… -I was a reasonably happy kid, I guess -I was brought up in Brooklyn during World War II -He's been depressed. All of a sudden he can't do anything -- Why are you depressed, Alvy? - Tell Dr Flicker -It's something he read -Something he read, uh? -- The universe is expanding. - The universe is expanding? -The universe is everything. If it's expanding, someday it will break apart -and that will be the end of everything -What is that your business? -He stopped doing his homework -- What's the point? - What has the universe got to do with it? -You're here in Brooklyn! Brooklyn is not expanding! -It won't be expanding for billions of years yet, Alvy -And we've gotta try and enjoy ourselves while we're here, uh? -My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood memories. -But I was brought up under the roller coaster -in the Coney Island section of Brooklyn. -Maybe that accounts for my personality, which is a little nervous. -I have a hyperactive imagination. -My mind tends to jump around a little. -I have some trouble between fantasy and reality. -My father ran the bumper car concession. -There he is. -And there I am. -I used to get my aggression out through those cars all the time. -I remember the staff at our public school. -We had a saying: “Those who can”t do, teach, -and those who can“t teach, teach gym.” -And those who couldnt do anything, I think, were assigned to our school. -I always thought my schoolmates were idiots. -Melvyn Greenglass. His fat little face. -And Henrietta Farrell. Just Miss perfect all the time. -And lvan Ackerman. Always the wrong answer. Always. -Seven and three is nine -Even then, I knew they were just jerks. -In I had already discovered women. -He kissed me! He kissed me! -That's the second time this month! Step up here -- What did I do? - Step up here! -You should be ashamed of yourself -Why? I was just expressing a healthy sexual curiosity -Six-year-old boys don't have girls on their minds -I did -For God's sakes, Alvy! Even Freud speaks of a latency period -Well, I never had a latency period. I can't help it -Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? Now there was a model boy -Tell the folks where you are today -I run a profitable dress company -Sometimes I wonder where my classmates are today. -I'm president of the pinkus plumbing Company -I sell tallises -I used to be a heroin addict. Now I'm a methadone addict -I'm into leather -I lost track of most of my schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian. -They did not take me in the army. I was… Interestingly enough… I was -p -In the event of war, I'm a hostage -You always only saw the worst in people -You never could get along with anyone in school -You were always out of step with the world -Even when you got famous, you still distrusted the world -I distinctly heard it. He muttered under his breath, “Jew.” -You're crazy -We were walking off the tennis court. Him and me and his wife -He looked at her and they both looked at me. And under his breath he said, “Jew.” -Alvy, you're a total paranoid -I pick up on those kinda things -I was having lunch with some guys from NBC. So I said, “Did you eat yet or what?” -And Tom Christie said, “No. D'you?” -Not “Did you”. “D'you eat?” “D'you?” -Not “Did you eat?” but “D'you eat?” “Jew?” You get it? “Jew eat?” -- Max… - Stop calling me Max -Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, you see conspiracies in everything -I was in a record store. There's this big, tall, blond, crew-cutted guy -looking at me in a funny way and saying, “We have a sale this week on Wagner.” -Wagner, Max. Wagner. I know what he's really trying to tell me, very significantly -Right, Max -California, Max -- Get the hell out of this crazy city. - Forget it -We move to sunny LA. All of show business is there -No. I don't wanna live in a city where the only cultural advantage -is that you can make a right turn on a red light -Forget it. Aren't you late for meeting Annie? -I'm meeting her at the Beekman. I have a few minutes -Are you on television? -Once in a while. Occasionally -- What's your name? - You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter -You were on the… uh… The Johnny Carson, right? -Once in a while, you know -What's your name? -I'm… I'm Robert Redford -Come on! -Alvy Singer. It was nice… Thanks very much for everything -Hey! -What? -This is Alvy Singer! -Fellas, you know… -This guy's on television. Alvy Singer? Am I right? -- Give me a break. - This guy's on television -I need a large polo mallet -- Who's on television? - On The Johnny Carson Show. -Is this a meeting of the Teamsters? -- What programme? - Can I have your autograph? -- You don't want my autograph. - No, I do. It's for my girlfriend -Make it out to Ralph -- Your girlfriend's name is Ralph? - It's for my brudder -You're really Alvy Singer, the TV star? -Alvy Singer over here! -It's all right, fellas -Jesus! What did you do? Come by way of the panama Canal? -- I'm in a bad mood. - I'm here with the cast of The Godfather. -- You have to learn to deal with it. - I'm dealing with guys named Cheech! -please. I have a headache, all right? -You are in a bad mood. You must be getting your period -Every time anything out of the ordinary happens, you think I'm getting my period! -A little louder. I think one of them may have missed it -- Has the picture started? - It started two minutes ago -That's it. Forget it. I can't go in -- Two minutes, Alvy. - I can't do it. We've blown it already -I can't go in in the middle -We'll only miss the titles. They're in Swedish -- You wanna get coffee for two hours? - Two hours? No. I'm going in -- Go ahead. Goodbye. - While we're talking, we could be inside -Can we not stand here and argue in front of everybody? I get embarrassed -All right. So what do you wanna do? -I don't know now. You wanna go to another movie? -Let's go see The Sorrow and the pity. -Come on. I'm not in the mood to see a four-hour documentary on Nazis -Well, I'm sorry. I've gotta see a picture exactly from the start to the finish -Cos… Cos I'm anal -That's a polite word for what you are -We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not one of his best -It lacks a cohesive structure -You get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say -I've always felt he was essentially a technical filmmaker -Granted, La Strada was a great film. Great in its use of negative imagery -I can't stand this guy. I'm gonna have a stroke -Well, stop listening to him -He's screaming his opinions in my ear -Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or Satyricon. -I found it incredibly… indulgent -He really is. He's one of the most indulgent filmmakers -The key word here is indulgent -Without getting… -- What are you depressed about? - I missed my therapy. I overslept -- How can you possibly oversleep? - The alarm clock -Do you know what a hostile gesture that is to me? -I know. Because of our sexual problem, right? -Everybody at The New Yorker has to know our rate of intercourse? -It's like Samuel Beckett -I admire the technique, but it doesn't hit me on a gut level -- I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level. - Stop it, Alvy! -He's spitting on my neck. He's spitting on my neck when he talks -You know, you're so egocentric that if I miss my therapy -you can only think of it in terms of how it affects you. -Weltanschauung is what it is -probably on their first date -probably met by answering an ad in the New York Review of Books. -Thirtyish academic wishes to meet woman -who's interested in Mozart, James Joyce and sodomy -Our sexual problem? I'm comparatively normal for a guy raised in Brooklyn -OK. I'm very sorry. My sexual problem. OK? My sexual problem -I never read that. That was a Henry James novel? Sequel of The Turn of the Screw? -It's the influence of television -Now, Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms of it being a high… -high intensity. You understand? A hot medium… -What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it -What do you do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind? -Why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country -Do you have to give it so loud? Aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that? -The funny part is, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan -Really? I happen to teach a class at Columbia called TV, Media and Culture. -So I think my insights into Mr McLuhan have a great deal of validity -Oh, do you? That's funny, because I happen to have Mr McLuhan right here -Just let me… Come over here a second -I heard what you were saying -You know nothing of my work -You mean my whole fallacy is wrong -How you ever got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing -Boy, if life were only like this! -June th, . The German army occupies paris. -All over the country, people are desperate for every available scrap of news. -Those guys in the French Resistance were really brave -To have to listen to Maurice Chevalier sing so much -Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture -The Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card -and you'd tell 'em everything -That movie makes me feel guilty -Yeah, cos it's supposed to -Alvy… -What? What… What's the matter? -I don't… I don't know -It's not natural. We're sleeping in a bed together. You know, it's been a long time -Well, it's just that I gotta sing tomorrow night, so I have to rest my voice -There's always an excuse. You used to think I was very sexy -When we first started going out, we had sex constantly -We're probably in the Guinness Book of World Records. -Alvy, it'll pass. I'm going through a phase. That's all -You've been married before. You know how things can get -You were very hot for Allison at first -You're on right after Chris Brown, which looks about minutes -Excuse me. When do I go on? -Who are you? -Alvy Singer -I'm a comedian -Oh, comedian. Yeah -Oh. You're on next -What do you mean, next? I'm… -You're on right after this act -No, it can't be. Because he's a comic -Yes -- You're putting on two comics in a row? - Why not? -No, I'm sorry. I don't wanna go on after another comedian -It's OK -No. Because they're laughing. So I'd… rather not -Will you relax? They're gonna love you -I'd prefer not to. Look. They're laughing at him -They're gonna laugh at him then I gotta go out -I gotta get laughs too. How much can they laugh? -- They're laughed out. - Do you feel all right? -Jesus! -What's your name? -Allison -Yeah? -Allison what? -portchnik -- That's nice. - Thank you -Allison portchnik -So, what are you telling me? You work for Stevenson all the time or what? -No. I'm in the midst of doing my thesis -On what? -political Commitment in th-Century Literature. -You're like… New York, Jewish, left-wing, liberal, intellectual -Central park West, Brandeis University, socialist summer camps? -The father with the Ben Shahn drawings? The really strike-oriented… -Stop me before I make a complete imbecile of myself -No. That was wonderful. I love being reduced to a cultural stereotype -Right. I'm a bigot. But for the Left -I have to go out there. Say something encouraging. Quickly -- I think you're cute. - Do you? -Go ahead -I don't know why they would have me at this kind of rally cos… -I'm not essentially a political comedian at all -I interestingly had… dated a woman -in the Eisenhower administration briefly -And it was ironic to me cos… -Cos I was trying to do to her -what Eisenhower has been doing to the country for the last eight years -I'm sorry. I can't go through with this -I can't get it off my mind, Allison. It's obsessing me -I'm getting tired of it. I need your attention -But it doesn't make any sense. He drove past the book depository -and the police said conclusively that it was an exit wound -So how is it possible for Oswald to have fired from two angles at once? -It doesn't make sense! -I'll tell you this. He was not marksman enough -to hit a moving target at that range -But… -if there was a second assassin… -- That's it! - We've been through this -They recovered the shells from that rifle -OK. What are you saying now? -Everybody on the Warren Commission is in on this conspiracy, right? -Well, why not? -Yeah. Earl Warren? -Hey, honey. I don't know Earl Warren -Lyndon Johnson? -Lyndon Johnson is a politician! You know the ethics those guys have -It's like a notch underneath child molester -Then everybody's in on the conspiracy -The FBI and the CIA and J Edgar Hoover and oil companies -and the pentagon and the men's room attendant at the White House -I would leave out the men's room attendant -You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me -Oh, my God! -She's right -Why did I turn off Allison portchnik? -She was beautiful, she was willing, she was real intelligent -Is it the old Groucho Marx joke that I just don't wanna belong to any club -that would have someone like me for a member? -Alvy, don't panic! please stop it! -It's a mistake to ever bring a live thing in the house -Stop it! Go for that one there -Maybe we should call the police. Dial . It's the lobster squad -They're only baby ones, for God's sakes -- If they're only babies, you pick 'em up. - All right! All right! -- Here you go! - Don't give it to me! Don't! -Look! One crawled behind the refrigerator -It'll turn up in our bed at night -Will you get out of here with that thing? Jesus! -Talk to 'em. You speak shellfish -Hey, look. put it in the pot -I can't put it in the pot! I can't put a live thing in hot water! -You think we're gonna take him to the movies? -Oh, good, Alvy. Oh, thank you -OK. It's in. It's definitely in the pot -Annie, there's a big lobster behind the refrigerator -I can't get it out. This thing's heavy -Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce here with a nutcracker, it'll run out -I'm gonna get my camera -I think if I could pry the door off… -We should have gotten steaks. They don't run around -Goddamn it! Oh, jeez! -pick this lobster up. Hold it, please -You're gonna take pictures now? -Alvy, it'll be wonderful. Oh, lovely! -Oh, God! That's disgusting! -One more, Alvy. please! -Oh, good! Good! -Here's what I want to know. Am I your first big romance? -Oh, no. No, no -Really? Who was? -There was Dennis from Chippewa Falls High School -Dennis? Local kid? Would meet you in front of the movie house? -You should have seen what I looked like then. -I can imagine. probably the wife of an astronaut. -Then there was Jerry, the actor. -Look at you. You're such a clown -I look pretty -You always look pretty. But that guy… -Acting is like an exploration of the soul. It's very religious -Like a kind of liberating consciousness -It's like a visual poem -Is he kidding with that crap? -Oh, right -I think I know exactly what you mean when you say “religious” -You do? -- Oh, come on. I was younger. - Hey, that was last year -It's like when I think of dying -- You know how I'd like to die? - No. How? -I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals -Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels! -Listen, he was a terrific actor. He's neat-looking and he was emotional… -I don't think you like emotion too much -Touch my heart… with your foot -I may throw up -He was creepy -I think you're pretty lucky I came along -Oh, really? Well, la-de-da -If anyone had ever told me I would be taking out a girl -who used expressions like la-de-da… -You really like those New York girls -- Well, not just. Not only. - I'd say so. You married two of them -There's Henry Drucker. He has a chair in history at princeton -The short man is Hershel Kaminsky. He has a chair in philosophy at Cornell -Two more chairs, they got a dining room set -- Why are you so hostile? - Cos I wanna watch the Knicks on TV -Is that paul Goodman? No -Be nice to the host, because he's publishing my book -Douglas Wyatt. The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. -I'm so tired of making fake insights with people who work for Dysentery. -Commentary. -Really? I heard Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery. -No jokes. These are friends, OK? -Here you are -There's people out there -Two minutes ago the Knicks are ahead points, and now they're ahead two points -What is so fascinating about a group of pituitary cases -trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? -What is fascinating is that it's physical -Intellectuals prove you can be absolutely brilliant -and have no idea what's going on -But, on the other hand, the body doesn't lie -as we now know -Stop acting out -It'll be great. All those phDs are in there discussing modes of alienation -and we'll be in here quietly humping -Alvy, don't. You're using sex to express hostility -Why do you always reduce my animal urges to psychoanalytic categories? -He said, as he removed her brassiere -There are people out there from The New Yorker magazine! -Oh, my God -What would they think? -Damn siren! -OK. Don't get upset -Dammit! I was so close! -Last night it was a guy honking his car horn. The city can't close down -You wanna have them shut down the airport too? -No more flights so we can have sex? -I'm too tense. I need a Valium -My analyst says I should live in the country and not in New York -We can't have this discussion. The country makes me nervous -You've got crickets. There's no place to walk after dinner -The screens with the dead moths behind 'em -You got the Manson family, possibly. You got Dick and Terry -OK! OK! My analyst just thinks I'm too tense. Where's the goddamn Valium? -It's quiet now. We can start again -I can't. My head is throbbing -- You got a headache? - I have a headache -Bad? -- Like Oswald in Ghosts. - Jesus! -Where are you going? -I'm going to take another in a series of cold showers -Max, my serve will send you to the showers early -The failure of the country to get behind New York City is anti-Semitism -Max, the city is terribly run -I'm not discussing politics or economics. This is foreskin -Every time some group disagrees with you, it's because of anti-Semitism -The rest of the country sees New York -as left-wing, Communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers -I think of us that way sometimes, and I live here -Max, if we lived in California, we could play outdoors every day in the sun -Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad -Sun, milk, red meat, college -I know, but I… -Egad. Here he comes -You know Alvy? This is Janet -This is Annie Hall -This is Alvy -Who's playing with who? -You and me against them? -- I can't play too good, you know? - I've had four lessons -Hi! -Well… -Bye -You play very well -Oh, yeah? So do you -Oh, God. What a dumb thing to say, right? -You say, “You play well” and then right away I have to say, “You play well.” -Oh! -God, Annie. Well… -Oh, well -You want a lift? -Oh, why? -You got a car? -Me? No. I was gonna take a cab -Oh, no. I have a car -You have a car? -I don't understand. If you have a car, so then… -why did you say, “Do you have a car?” Like you wanted a lift? -I don't… I don't… -Jeez, I don't know. I wasn't… -It's… I've got this VW out there -What a jerk! Yeah -Would you like a lift? -Sure. Which way are you going? -Me? Downtown -I'm going uptown -Well, you know, I'm going uptown too -You just said you were going downtown -Sorry -I can go uptown too. I live uptown, but what the hell! -Lt'll be nice having company. I hate driving alone -So where do you know Janet from? -- I'm in her acting class. - You're an actress? -Well, I do commercials, sort of -- You're not from New York, right? - Chippewa Falls -- Where? - Wisconsin -You're driving a tad rapidly -Don't worry. I'm a very good driver. I'm good -- You want some gum anyway? - No. No, thanks -Hey, don't… No, no. Would you watch the road? I'll get it! -- I'll get you a piece. - So, you drive? -Do I drive? No. I've got a problem with driving -Oh, you do? -I've got a licence, but I have too much hostility -Nice car. You keep it nice -Can I ask you? Is this a sandwich? -Huh? Oh, yeah -I live over here. Oh, my God! Look! There's a parking space -That's OK. We can walk to the kerb from here -- You want your tennis stuff? - Oh. Yeah -That's good. Thanks. Thanks a lot -Well… -Thank you -You're a wonderful tennis player and… -you're the worst driver I've ever seen in my life -Anyplace. Europe. The United… Anyplace. Asia -- And I love what you're wearing. - Oh, you do, yeah? -Oh, well, it's a… This tie is a present from Grammy Hall -Who? Grammy… Grammy Hall? -Yeah, my grammy -Did you grow up in a Norman Rockwell painting? -- Your grammy? - I know. It's pretty silly, isn't it? -My grammy never gave gifts. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks -Well… -Thank you again -Hey, you wanna come upstairs and have a glass of wine or something? -I mean, you don't have to. You're probably late -No, that'd be fine. I wouldn't mind. Sure -I've got time. I've got nothing… till my analyst appointment -Oh, you see an analyst? -Yeah. Just for years -I'm gonna give him one more year and then I'm going to Lourdes -… Nah! Come on! -Yeah? Really? -Sylvia plath? Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide -was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality -Oh, sorry -I don't know. Some of her poems seem neat -Neat? I hate to tell you, this is -“Neat” went out, I would say, at the turn of the century -Who are those photos on the wall? -Oh! Well, you see now… that's my dad -That's Father. And that's my brother Duane -- Duane? - Yeah, right. Duane -And over there is Grammy Hall. And that's Sadie -- Who's Sadie? - Oh, well, Sadie… -Sadie met Grammy through Grammy's brother George -George was real sweet. He had that thing… -What is that thing where you fall asleep in the middle of a sentence? What is it? -- Narcolepsy. - Right, right! -So anyway… George went to the union, you see, to get his free turkey -The union always gave George this free turkey at Christmas time -because he was shell-shocked in the First World War -Anyway, so George is standing in line - oh, just a sec - getting his free turkey -But the thing is, is that he falls asleep -and he never wakes up! -So… so he's dead! -He's dead. Yeah -Oh, dear -Well… Terrible, huh? Wouldn't you say? I mean, that's pretty awful -It's a great story, though. It really made my day -I think I should get outta here cos I think I'm imposing -Really? Well, maybe… -You know, I… -- You don't have to, you know. - I'm all perspired and everything -Didn't you take a shower at the club? -Me? No. Cos I never shower in a public place -Why not? -Cos I don't like to get naked in front of another man -Oh, I see. I see -I don't like to show my body to a man of my gender -You never know what's gonna happen -- years, huh? - years, yeah. That's… -God bless -You're what Grammy Hall would call “a real Jew” -Thank you -Yeah, well, she hates Jews. She thinks that they just make money -But she's the one. Is she ever! I'm tellin' you -So did you do those photographs in there or what? -Yeah. I sort of dabble around, you know. I dabble? Listen to me - what a jerk! -They're wonderful, you know. They have a… a quality. You are a great-looking girl. -Well, I would like to take a serious photography course. He probably thinks lm a yo-yo. -photography's interesting cos it's a new art form, I wonder what she looks like naked. -And a set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet -Aesthetic criteria? You mean whether it's a good photo or not? Lm not smart enough for him. Hang in there. -The medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself. I don“t know what l”m saying. She senses lm shallow. -Well… to me… I mean, it's… it's… It's all instinctive. I just try to feel it. God, I hope he doesnt turn out to be a shmuck like the others. -I try to get a sense of it and not think about it so much -Still, you need a set of aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective. Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax! -Well, I don't know -I guess you must be sort of late, huh? -You know, I gotta get there and begin whining soon. Otherwise I… -- Hey, are you busy Friday night? - Me? -Oh, uh, no -Oh, I'm sorry! I have something -What about Saturday night? -Nothing. No, no -You're very popular, I can see -- I know. - Do you have plague? -Well, I mean, I meet a lot of jerks -I meet a lot of jerks too. I think that's a… -But I'm thinking about getting some cats -Oh, wait a second. Oh, no, no! -Oh, shoot! No. Saturday night I'm gonna… -I'm gonna sing. Yeah -You're gonna sing? Do you sing? No kidding? -- This is my first time. - Really? Where? I'd like to come -- Oh, no! - I'm interested -I'm just… I'm auditioning at this club. I don't… -- It's my first time. - It's OK. I know exactly what that's like -You're gonna like nightclubs. They're really a lot of fun -It had to be you -It had to be you -I wandered around -And finally found -The somebody who -Could make me be true -Could make me be blue -And even be glad -Just to be sad -Thinking of you -I was awful! I'm so ashamed! I can't sing! -So the audience was a tad restless -What do you mean, a tad restless? They hated me! -They didn't! You have a wonderful voice! -- I'm gonna quit. - I won't let you. You have a great voice -- Really? Do you think so? Really? - Yeah. It's terrific -I never even took a lesson, either -Hey, listen. Give me a kiss -- Really? - Because we're just gonna go home later -There's gonna be all that tension and I won't know when to make the right move -So we'll kiss now, we'll get it over with and then go eat -- We'll digest our food better. - OK -So now we can digest our food -I'm gonna have the corned beef, please -Oh. I'm gonna have pastrami on white bread -with mayonnaise and tomatoes and lettuce -So… your second wife left you. And were you depressed about that? -Nothing that a few megavitamins couldn't cure -And your first wife? Allison? -She was nice, but… That was my fault. I was just… I was too crazy -That was so nice -That was nice -As Balzac said, “There goes another novel.” -You were great -Yeah. I'm wrecked -- You're wrecked! - I mean it -I will never play the piano again -It was… I don't know. You really thought it was good? -Yes -That was the most fun I've ever had without laughing -Here. You want some? -No. I… I don't… use any major hallucinogenics because I… -took a puff about five years ago at a party and… -Tried to take my pants off over my head -Something got in one ear -Well, I don't really… I don't do it very often -It just sort of relaxes me -- You're not gonna believe this, but… - What? -I'm gonna buy you these books because I think you should read them -- Instead of that cat book. - That's pretty serious stuff there -Yeah. Cos I'm obsessed with death, I think. Big subject with me -I have a very pessimistic view of life -You should know this if we're gonna go out -I feel that life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable -Those are the two categories. The horrible would be like terminal cases -And blind people. And cripples. I don't know how they get through life -And the miserable is everyone else -So you should be thankful that you're miserable -You're very lucky to be miserable -Look at that guy -In the pink. Mr Miami Beach there -He's just come back from the gin rummy finals -placed third -Look at these guys. They're back from Fire Island. They're giving it a chance -- Italian, right? - Him? Yeah, he's the Mafia -Linen supply business or cement and contracting, I think -“Oh, gee! Must have my moustache waxed.” -There's the winner of the Truman Capote lookalike contest -You are extremely sexy. Unbelievably sexy -- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are -You know what you are? You're polymorphously perverse -What does that mean? I don't know what that is -You're exceptional in bed because you get pleasure -in every part of your body when I touch you. Like the tip of your nose -If I stroke your teeth or your kneecaps, you suddenly get excited -You know what? I like you -I really do like you -Do you love me? That's the key question -I know you've only known me a short while -I think that's sort of… Yeah. Yeah, yeah -Do you love me? -Love is… too weak a word for… the way I feel -I lurve you. You know, I loave you -I luff you. With two Fs. Yes, I have to invent… -Of course I do. Don't you think I do? -I don't know -You're not gonna give up your apartment, are you? -Of course -- But why? - I'm moving in with you -- But you've got a nice apartment. - I have a tiny apartment -- I know it's small. - And it's got bad plumbing and bugs -Granted. It has bad plumbing and bugs. You say that like it's a negative thing -You know, bugs are… Entomology is a rapidly growing field -- You don't want me to live with you. - I don't want you to live with me? -- Whose idea was it? - Mine -It was yours, actually. But I approved it immediately -I guess you think I talked you into something, huh? -No! We live together, we sleep together, we eat together -Jesus! You don't want it to be like we're married, do you? -- How is it any different? - Cos you keep your own apartment -We don't have to go to it. We don't have to deal with it -It's like a free-floating life raft. That we know that we're not married -That little apartment is $ a month, Alvy -- That place is $ a month? - Yes, it is -It's got bad plumbing and bugs -Jesus! My accountant will write it off as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it -- You don't think I'm smart enough. - Hey, don't be ridiculous -Then why are you always pushing me to take college courses like I was dumb? -Adult education's a wonderful thing -You meet interesting professors. It's stimulating -Does this sound like a good course? -“Modern American poetry”? -Or let's see now. Maybe I should take… -“Introduction to the Novel” -Just don't take any course where they make you read Beowulf. -Hey, what do you think? You think we should go to that party in Southampton? -Don't be silly. What do we need other people for? -We should just turn out the lights and play hide the salami or something -Well, listen, I'm gonna get a cigarette -Grass, right? The illusion that it will make a white woman more like Billie Holiday -- Well, have you ever made love high? - Me? No -If I have grass or alcohol or anything, I get unbearably wonderful -I get too wonderful for words -I don't know why you have to get high every time we make love -- Well, it relaxes me. - You have to be artificially relaxed -- before we can go to bed? - What's the difference? -Take a shot of Sodium pentothal. You can sleep through it -You've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -You should smoke this. You'd be off the couch in no time -- Come on. You don't need that. - What are you doing? -- No, Alvy. please. - You can live without it once -Wait. I got a great idea -Hang in there for a second. I got a little artefact -A little erotic artefact that I brought up from the city -which I think is gonna be perfect -There. Create a little old New Orleans essence -Now we can go about our business here -and even develop photographs if we want to -- Hey, is something wrong? - No. Why? -I don't know. It's like you're removed -- No, I'm fine. - Really? -I don't know. You seem sorta distant -Let's just do it, all right? -Is it my imagination or are you just going through the motions? -Do you remember where I put my drawing pad? -While you two are doing that, I think I'm gonna do some drawing -- That's what I call removed. - Oh, you have my body -Yeah, but I want the whole thing -Well, I need grass -Well, it ruins it for me if you have grass -I'm a comedian. If I get a laugh from a person who's high -it doesn't count, cos they're always laughing -- Were you always funny? - What is this? An interview? -We're supposed to be making love -This guy is naturally funny. I think he can write for you -Yeah, yeah. Hey, kid, he tells me you're really good -Let me explain how I work -I don't look like a funny guy like some of the guys that come out -You know you're gonna fall down -But material's gotta be sensational for me. I work with very… I'm kinda classy -Let me explain. For instance, I open with a song. Musical style like… -place looks wonderful from here -And you folks look wonderful from here -And seeing you there with a smile on your face -Makes me shout “This must be the place” -Then I open with some jokes. That's where I need you -“I just got back from Canada. They speak a lot of French up there.” -“The word to remember is Jeanne d”Arc. It means the light's out in the bathroom -“I met a big lumberjack…” -Jesus! This guys pathetic. -Look at him mincing around. -He thinks hes real cute. You wanna throw up. -If only I had the nerve to do my own jokes. -I dont know how much longer I can keep this smile frozen on my face. -Lm in the wrong business. I know it. -“But… chéri…” -“What will I do with this?” -“Oh, Marie! Sometime you make me so mad!” -They scream at that! Write me something like that. A French number. Can you do it? -Where am I? I have to reorient myself -This is the University of Wisconsin, right? Cos I'm always… tense… -I have a very bad history with colleges. I went to New York University -And I was thrown out of NYU in my freshman year -for cheating on my metaphysics final -I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me -My mother, an emotionally high-strung woman -locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of mah-jongg tiles -I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis -I was suicidal, as a matter of fact, and would have killed myself -But I was in analysis with a strict Freudian -If you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss -Alvy, you were just great. I'm not kidding. It was… -- You were so funny. - College audiences are wonderful -And I'm starting to get more of the references too -Are you? Well, the o'clock show's completely different -I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. You'll meet Mother and Father -- They'll hate me immediately. - I don't think so -I don't think they're gonna hate you at all. It's Easter. We'll have a nice dinner -I think they're gonna really like you -It's a nice ham this year, Mom -Oh, yeah -Grammy always does such a good job -A great sauce! -It is. It's dynamite ham -We went over to the swap meet -Annie, Gram and I. We got some nice picture frames -We really had a good time -Ann tells us that you've been seeing a psychiatrist for years -Yes. I'm making excellent progress -pretty soon when I lie down on his couch, I won't have to wear the lobster bib -- Duane and I went out to the boat basin. - We were caulking holes all day -And Randolph Hunt was drunk. As usual -That Randolph Hunt. You remember Randy Hunt, Annie -- He was in the choir with you. - Oh, yes -I can't believe this family -Annie's mother is really beautiful -And they're talking swap meets and boat basins -And the old lady at the end of the table is a classic Jew-hater -They really look American. Very healthy. Like they never get sick or anything -Nothing like my family. The two are like oil and water -Let him drop dead. Who needs his business? -- His wife has diabetes. - Diabetes? -Is that an excuse? Diabetes? -The man is years old and doesn't have a substantial job -- Is that a reason to steal from his father? - What are you talking about? -Sure! Defend him! -pass the wurst there -Mo Moskowitz, he had a coronary -You don't say! -How do you plan to spend the holidays, Mrs Singer? -- We fast. - Fast? -No food. To atone for our sins -What sins? I don't understand -To tell you the truth, neither do we -Alvy -Hi, Duane. How's it goin'? -This is my room -Oh, yeah? It's terrific -Can I confess something? -I tell you this because, as an artist, I think you'll understand -Sometimes when I'm driving -on the road at night, I see two headlights coming toward me -Fast. I have this sudden impulse to turn the wheel quickly -head-on into the oncoming car -I can anticipate the explosion -The sound of shattering glass. The… -flames rising out of the flowing gasoline -Right. Well… -I have to go now, Duane, because I… -I'm due back on the planet Earth -- Don't let it be so long. - Look up Uncle Billy -- He is adorable. - Do you think so? -- You're taking them to the airport? - Duane can. I haven't finished my drink -Yes, Duane is. Just a second. I have to get… -- You followed me. - I didn't follow you -You followed me! -I was walking behind staring at you. That's not following -- What is your definition of following? - I was spying -- Do you realise how paranoid you are? - You've got your arms around a guy -That is the worst kind of paranoid -I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd pick you up after school -You wanted to keep the relationship flexible, remember? -You're having an affair with your professor -That jerk that teaches that crap course - Contemporary Crisis in Western Man? -Existential Motifs in Russian Literature! -It's all mental masturbation -We finally get to a subject you know about -Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love -We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat -Neat. Are you years old? -- That's a Chippewa Falls expression. - Who cares?! -Next he'll find you keen and peachy. Then he's got his hand on your ass -You've always had hostility towards David -- You call your teacher David? - It's his name -It's a biblical name, right? What does he call you? Bathsheba? -Alvy, you're the one who never wanted to make a real commitment -You don“t think l”m smart enough. -We had that argument just last month. Or dont you remember that day? -- I'm home! - Oh, yeah? How did it go? -Oh, it was really weird, but she's a very nice woman -I didn't have to lie down on the couch. She had me sitting up -I told her about the family and my feelings towards men -and my relationship with my brother -She mentioned penis envy. Do you know about that? -I'm one of the few males who suffers from that. Go on. I'm interested -She said I was very guilty about my impulses towards marriage and children -Then I remembered, when I was a kid, I accidentally saw my parents making love -All this happened the first hour? -I've been going for years. I don't have… nothing like that -I told her my dream and then I cried -You cried? I have never once cried. That's fantastic -I whine. I sit and I whine -In my dream, Frank Sinatra is holding this pillow across my face and I can't breathe -- Sinatra? - Yeah. Strangling me -Sure. Because he's a singer and you're a singer -It's perfect. So you're trying to suffocate yourself -It's a perfect analytic kind of insight -She said your name was Alvy Singer -- What do you mean? Me? - Yeah, you -Because in the dream I break Sinatra's glasses -You never said Sinatra had glasses. What are you saying? That I'm suffocating you? -God, Alvy. I did this really terrible thing to him -Because then, when he sang, it was in this real high-pitched voice -What did the doctor say? -I should probably come five times a week -I don't think I mind analysis at all. The only question is, will it change my wife? -- Will it change your wife? - My life -- You said, “Will it change my wife?” - I said, “Will it change my life?” -- You said wife. - Life! I said life -She said, “Will it change my wife?” You heard that, so I'm not crazy -I told her I didn't think you'd ever take me seriously -because you don't think I'm smart enough -Why do you always bring that up? -Because I encourage you to take adult education courses? -You meet wonderful, interesting professors -Adult education is such junk. The professors are so phoney -I don't care what you say about David. He's a fine teacher -And why are you following me around? -- I was following you and David. - Let's call it quits -That's fine. That's great. I don't know what I did wrong -She cooled off to me. Is it something that I did? -It's never something you do. That's how people are. Love fades -Love fades? God! That's a depressing thought -I have to ask you a question. With your wife in bed -does she need some kind of artificial stimulation? Like marijuana? -We use a large vibrating egg -A large vibrating egg? -Well, I ask a psychopath, I get that kind of an answer. Jesus! -Here. You look like a very happy couple -- Are you? - Yeah -So how do you account for it? -I'm very shallow and empty -and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say -- And I'm exactly the same way. - I see. Well, that's very interesting -So you've managed to work out something, huh? -Well, thanks very much for talking to me -Even as a kid, I always went for the wrong women. I think thats my problem. -My mother took me to see Snow White. Everyone fell in love with Snow White. -I immediately fell for the Wicked Queen. -- We never have any fun any more. - How can you say that? -You're always leaning on me to improve myself -You must be getting your period -I don't get a period! I'm a cartoon character -Can't I be upset once in a while? -Max, forget about Annie. I know lots of women you can date -I don't wanna go out with any other women -I have got a girl for you. You'll love her. She's a reporter for Rolling Stone. -I think there are more people here to see the Maharishi than there were for Dylan -I covered the Dylan concert, which gave me chills -Especially when he sang, “She takes just like a woman.” -“And she makes love just like a woman. Yes, she does.” -“And she aches just like a woman.” -“But she breaks just like a little girl.” -After that, the most charismatic event I covered -was Mick's birthday at Madison Square Garden -- That's great. That's just great. - Did you catch Dylan? -Me? No, I couldn't make it. My raccoon had hepatitis -You have a raccoon? -A few -The only word for this is transplendid -It's transplendid -I can think of another word -He's God. This man is God. He's got millions of followers -who would crawl across the world just to touch the hem of his garment -Yeah? Must be a tremendous hem -I'm a Rosicrucian myself -I can't get with any religion that advertises in popular Mechanics. -Look. There's God coming out of the men's room -It's unbelievably transplendid! -I was at the Stones concert when they killed that guy -Were you? I was at an Alice Cooper thing -where six people were rushed to the hospital with bad vibes -I hope you don't mind that I took so long to finish -Oh, no. Don't be… Don't be silly. You know, I… -I'm starting to get some feeling back in my jaw now -Sex with you is really a Kafkaesque experience -Oh. Thank you -I mean that as a compliment -I think… I think there's too much burden placed on the orgasm -You know, to make up for empty areas in life -Who said that? -I don't know. I think it may have been Leopold and Loeb -Oh, hi! -Uh… no. What… -What's the matter? -You sound terrible -No. Sure, I… -What kind of emergency? -No. Well, stay there. I'll come over right now -Just stay there. I'll come right over -It's me. Open up. Are you OK? -What's the matter? Are you all right? -There's a spider in the bathroom -What? -There's a big, black spider in the bathroom -You got me here at three in the morning cos there's a spider in the bathroom? -You know how I am about insects. I can't sleep with a live thing crawling around -Kill it! What's wrong with you? Don't you have a can of Raid? -I told you a thousand times. You should always keep a lotta insect spray -You never know who's gonna crawl over -And a first-aid kit and a fire-extinguisher… -Give me a magazine, cos I'm a little tired -You make fun of me, but I'm prepared for anything -An emergency, a tidal wave, an earthquake -Hey, what is this? Did you go to a rock concert? -Oh, yeah? Really? -How'd you like it? -Was it… I mean, was it heavy? Did it achieve total heavy-ocity? -It was just great -Why don't you get the guy that took you to the rock concert -to come over and kill the spider? -I called you. You wanna help me or not, huh? -Since when do you read the National Review? -- What are you turning into? - I like to try to get all points of view -Then get William F Buckley to kill the spider -Alvy, you're a little hostile. You know that? -Not only that. You look thin and tired -It's three o'clock in the morning! You got me out of bed -I ran over here. I couldn't get a taxi cab. You said it was an emergency -I ran up the stairs. I was a lot more attractive when the evening began -Are you going with a right-wing rock-and-roll star? -Would you like a glass of chocolate milk? -Hey, what am I? Your son? I came over for… -I got the good chocolate -- Where's the spider? - It's in the bathroom -Don't squish it. And after it's dead, flush it down the toilet a couple of times -Darling, I've been killing spiders since I was , OK? -It's a very big spider. Lotta trouble. There's two of them -I didn't think it was that big, but it's a major spider. You got a broom? -It's at your house. I think I left it there. I'm sorry. What are you doing? -Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick -- What is this? You got black soap? - It's for my complexion -What, are you joining a minstrel show? -Don't worry! -I did it. I killed them both. What are you sad about? -What did you want me to do? Capture 'em and rehabilitate 'em? -- Oh, don't go. please. - What do you mean, don't… -What's the matter? Are you expecting termites? -What's the matter? -I don't know. I miss you -- Oh, Jesus. Really? - Oh, yeah -- Alvy? - What? -Was there somebody in your room when I called you? -- What do you mean? - Was there… I thought I heard a voice -I had the radio on. I'm sorry - it was the television set -I was watching… -Alvy, let's never break up again -I don't wanna be apart -I think we're both much too mature for something like that -Living together hasn't been so bad, has it? -No. For me, it's been terrific. You know? -Better than either one of my marriages -There's just something different about you. I don't know what it is, but it's great -You know, I think that if you let me, maybe I could help you have more fun -I mean, I know it's hard. It's… -Alvy, what about… what if we go away this weekend? -Why don't we get Rob, and the three of us would drive into Brooklyn? -We could show you the old neighbourhood. That'd be fun for you -Yeah, it would -Oh, my God! It's a great day! -Watch the road! You're gonna total the whole car! -I've never even been to Brooklyn -I can't wait to see the old neighbourhood. We can show her the schoolyard -I was a great athlete. Tell her, Max. The best. I was all-schoolyard -They threw him a football once and he tried to dribble it -I used to lose my glasses a lot -Oh, look! That's my old house. That's where I used to live -Holy cow! -You're lucky. Where I lived is now a pornographic equipment store -I have some very good memories there -Your mother and father fighting all the time? -Yeah, and always over the most ridiculous things -- You fired the cleaner? - She stole! -She's coloured! They have enough trouble! -- She went through my pocketbook! - They're persecuted enough! -- Who's persecuting? She stole! - So? We can afford it! -How can we afford it? On your pay? What if she steals more? -She's a coloured woman from Harlem! She has no money! -She's got a right to steal from us! Who is she gonna steal from if not us? -- You're both crazy! - They can't hear you, Max -Leo, I married a fool! -Hey, Max. What's that? -That's the welcome-home party, , for my cousin Herbie -Look. There. That's Joey Nichols. He was my father's friend -He was always bothering me when I was a kid -Joey Nichols. See? Nickels -See? Nickels -You see? Nickels. You can always remember my name -Just think of Joey Five Cents -That's me! Joey Five Cents! -What an asshole -The one who killed me the most was my mother's sister Tessie -I was always the sister with good common sense -Tessie was always the one with personality -When she was younger, they all wanted to marry Tessie -Tessie Moskowitz had the personality. She's the life of the ghetto, no doubt -She was once a great beauty -Tessie, they say you were the sister with personality -I was a great beauty -- How did this personality come about? - I was very charming -There were many men interested in you? -Oh, I was quite a lively dancer -That's very hard to believe -Well, I had a really good day. It was just a real fine way to spend my birthday -- Your birthday's not till tomorrow. - But it's real close -Yeah, but no presents till midnight -I wonder what this is -- Happy birthday. - What is this? -Is this a present? Are you kidding? -- Yeah. Why don't you try it on? - Yeah? I don't… -- This is more like a present for you. - It'll add ten years to our sex life -- Yeah. Forget it. - Here's a real present -Oh, yeah? What is this, anyway? -- Check it out. - Let me see -OK. Let's see -Oh, God! -You knew I wanted this. God! It's terrific -Just put on the watch and the… and that thing and everything -Oh, God. Oh -Seems like -Old times -Having you -To walk with -Seems like -Old times -Having you to walk with -And it's still a thrill -Just to have my arms around you -Still the thrill -That it was the day I found you -Seems like -Old times -Dinner dates and flowers -Old times -Staying up all hours -Making dreams come true -Doing things we used to do -Seems like old times -Here with -You -Thank you -You were sensational. I told you if you stuck to it you would be great -And… and you know… you were sensational -Well, Alvy, they were just a terrific audience -It makes it really easy for me because I can be… -Excuse me -Hi, I'm Tony Lacey -We just wanted to stop by and say that we really enjoyed your set -Oh, yeah, really? -I thought it was very musical and I liked it a lot -That's really nice. Thanks a lot -Are you recording? Do you… Are you with any label now? -Me? No -No. Not at all -Well, I'd like to talk to you about that sometime if you get a chance -- possibly working together. - Well, that's nice -Oh, listen. This is Alvy Singer. Do you know Alvy? -No, but I know your work. I'm a big fan of yours -Thank you very much -This is Shaun and Bob and… Bob and petronia -Hi -We're going back to the pierre. We're staying at the pierre -We're gonna meet Jack and Anjelica and have a drink -If you'd like to come, we'd love to have you -We can just sit and talk. Nothing… -Not a big deal. It's just relaxed. It would just be very mellow -Remember we have that thing -What thing? -Don't you remember we discussed that thing that we were… We had a… -Oh, the thing! -Yeah… -Oh, well, if it's inconvenient, that's fine too. We'll do it another time -Maybe if you're on the coast, we'll get together and meet there -It was a wonderful set. I really enjoyed it -Nice to have met you. Good night -Bye -What's the matter? You wanted to go to that party? -I don't know. I thought it might be kinda fun -It would be nice to meet some new people -I don't think I could take a mellow evening. I don't respond well to mellow -I have a tendency to… If I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot -It's not good for my… -So you don't wanna go to the party. So what do you wanna do? -That was the last day I remember really having a good time -- We never have any laughs any more. - I've been moody and dissatisfied -- How often do you sleep together? - Do you have sex often? -- Hardly ever. Maybe three times a week. - Constantly. I'd say three times a week -- The other night Alvy wanted to have sex. - She would not sleep with me -Then… I don't know… Six months ago I would have done it just to please him -I tried everything, you know. I put on soft music and my red light bulb -But the thing is, since our discussions here -I feel I have a right to my own feelings -I think you would have been happy because I asserted myself -I'm paying for her analysis. And she's making progress and I'm getting screwed -I feel so guilty because Alvy is paying for it -So I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him -If I do go to bed with him, it's like I'm going against my own feelings -She's making progress and I'm not. Her progress is killing my progress -Sometimes I think I should just live with a woman -I don't believe it! You mean to tell me you guys have never snorted coke? -Well, I always wanted to try. But Alvy, he's very down on it -Don't put it on me. I don't wanna put a wad of white powder in my nose -There's the nasal membrane -- You never wanna try anything new, Alvy. - How can you say that? -I said that you, I and that girl from your acting class should have a threesome -- Well, that's sick! - I know it's sick, but it's new -You didn't say it couldn't be sick -Come on, Alvy -Do your body a favour. Try it -I'm sure it's a lot of fun, cos the Incas did it -And they were a million laughs -Come on. For your own experience. You wanna write -It's great stuff. A friend of mine just brought it in from California -Oh, you know, we're going to California next week -It's incredible. I'm thrilled, as you know -On my agent's advice, I sold out and I'm gonna do an appearance on TV -No. That's not it at all. Alvy's giving an award on television -You act like you're violating a moral issue -We have to leave New York during Christmas week, which kills me -Listen, while you're in California, could you possibly score some coke for me? -Oh, sure. I'd be glad to. I'll just put it in a hollow heel that I have on my boot -How much is this stuff, incidentally? -It's about $, an ounce -Really? And what is the kick of it? Cos I never… -I've never been so relaxed as I have been since I moved here, Max -I want you to see my house. I live next to Hugh Hefner. He lets me use the Jacuzzi -And the women are like the women in playboy magazine -only they can move their arms and legs -I can't get over it - this is really Beverly Hills -The architecture's so consistent -French next to Spanish next to Tudor next to Japanese -God! It's so clean out here -They don't throw their garbage out. They make it into TV shows -Give us a break, Max. It's Christmas -Can you believe this is Christmas? -It was snowing and really grey in New York, naturally -Santa Claus'll have sunstroke -Max, there's no crime. There's no mugging -There's no economic crime -But there's ritual religious-cult murders. There's wheat-germ killers out here -While you're out here, I want you to see some of my TV show -And we're invited to a big Christmas party -All right now, Charlie, give me a good laugh here -… limousine to the track break down? -A little bigger -Max, you realise how immoral this all is? -- Max, I got a hit series. - I know. But you're adding fake laughs -… home so early. -Give me a tremendous laugh here, Charlie -We do this show live in front of an audience -And nobody laughs, cos the jokes aren't funny -That's why this machine is dynamite -Honey, you“d better lie down. You”ve been in the sun too long. -Now give me a medium-sized chuckle here -And then a big hand -Is there booing on that? -Oh, Max -I don't feel well -- What's the matter? - I don't know. I just got… very dizzy -- I feel dizzy, Max. - Well, sit down -Oh, Jesus! -- Are you all right? - I don't know -- You wanna lie down? - No. My stomach felt queasy all morning -- How about a ginger ale? - Oh… Max, no -Maybe I'd better lie down -Why don't you try to get a little of this down? It's just plain chicken -Oh, no. I can't eat this -I'm nauseous -If you can just give me something to get me through the next two hours -I have to go out to Burbank and give out an award on a TV show -There's nothing wrong with you, actually, so far as I can tell -You have no fever. No symptoms of anything serious -- You haven't eaten pork or shellfish. - Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor -Alvy, that was the show. They said everything is fine -They found a replacement so they're going to tape without you -Jesus! Now I don't get to do the TV show? -- I know. Listen, doctor. - I was just saying, I can't find anything -- Nothing at all? - No. I could get a lab man up here -Can I have the salt, please? -perhaps it would be even better if we took him to hospital for a day or two -Otherwise there's no real way to tell what's going on -This is not bad, actually -Don't tell me we have to walk from the car to the house -My feet haven't touched pavement since I reached Los Angeles -I'll take a meeting with you if you'll take a meeting with Freddy -I took a meeting with Freddy. Freddy took a meeting with Charlie -All the good meetings are taken -Right now it's only a notion. But I think I can get money -to make it into a concept, and then turn it into an idea -Like this house, Max? -I even brought a map to get us to the bathroom -You should have told me it was Tony Lacey's party -What difference does that make? -- I think he has a thing for Annie. - No. Unfortunately, Max -- he goes with that girl over there. - Where? -The one with the VpL -Visible panty Line -- Max, she is gorgeous. - Yeah, she's a ten, Max -- Great for you, cos you're used to twos. - There are no twos, Max -The kind with shopping bags in Central park with surgical masks on, muttering -How do you like this couple? They just came back from Masters and Johnson -Yeah. Intensive care ward -My God. Hey, Max, I think she's giving me the eye -If she comes over, my brain'll turn into guacamole -- Hi. - You're Alvy Singer, right? -- Didn't we meet at EST? - No, I was never to EST -- Then how can you criticise it? - Oh, he didn't say anything -I came out to get some shock therapy, but there was an energy crisis -- He's my food taster. Have you two met? - How you doing? -- You taste to see if the food's poisoned? - Yeah. He's crazy -You guys are wearing white. It must be in the stars. Uri Geller must be here -We're gonna operate together -We just need about six weeks. In six weeks we could cut the whole album -I don't know. This is strange to me -You can come and stay here. There's a whole wing you can have -- Yeah? Stay here? - Really. Why are you smiling? -I don't know -Not only is he a great agent, but he really gives good meeting -This is a great house. Really. Saunas, Jacuzzis, three tennis courts -You know who the original owners were? Nelson Eddy, then Legs Diamond -- Then you know who lived here? - Trigger -Charlie Chaplin. Right before his un-American thing -That's great -- But you guys are still New Yorkers. - Yeah, I love it there -I used to live there. I used to live there for years, but… It's so dirty now -I'm into garbage. It's my thing -This is a really nice screening room, Tony -There's another thing about New York -If you wanna see a movie, you have to stand in line. It could be freezing -We saw Grand Illusion here last night -Hey, that's a great film if you're high -Come and see our bedroom. We did a fantastic thing -No, thanks, man. I'm cool -It's wonderful. They just eat and watch movies all day -And gradually you get old and die -It's important to make an effort once in a while -Do you think his girlfriend's beautiful? -A tad on the androgynous side, but dynamite -Yeah. I forgot my mantra -That was fun. -I don“t think California”s bad at all. -Its a drag coming home. -A lot of beautiful women. -It was fun to flirt. -I have to face facts. -I adore Alvy, but our relationship doesnt seem to work any more. -Lll have the usual trouble with Annie in bed tonight. -What do I need this? -If only I had the nerve to break up. But it would really hurt him. -If only I didnt feel guilty asking Annie to move out. -Itd probably wreck her. But I should be honest. -Alvy, let's face it. You know… -I don't think our relationship is working -I know. A relationship, I think, is like a shark -It has to constantly move forward, or it dies -And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark -Whose Catcher in the Rye is this? -If it has my name on it, then I guess it's mine -It sure has… You wrote your name in all my books -cos you knew this day was gonna come -Alvy, you wanted to break up just as much as I do -No question. I think we're doing the mature thing, without any doubt -All the books on death and dying are yours, and all the poetry books are mine -Denial of Death. This is the first book that I got you. Remember that day? -Jeez, I feel like there's a great weight off my back. Hm -Oh. Thanks, Annie -Oh, no, no, no. I mean, I think it's really important for us -to explore new relationships and stuff like that -There's no question about that. Cos we've given this a more than fair shot -My analyst thinks this move is key for me -And, you know, I trust her. Because my analyst recommended her -Why should I put you through all my moods and hang-ups anyway? -And you know what the beauty part is? -- We can always get back together again. - Exactly -I don't think many couples could handle this. Just break up and remain friends -Hey, this one's mine, this button. I guess these are all yours -Impeach Eisenhower. Impeach Nixon -Impeach Lyndon Johnson. Impeach Ronald Reagan -I miss Annie. I made a terrible mistake -She's living in Los Angeles with Tony Lacey -Then the hell with her. If she likes that lifestyle, let her live there -- He's a jerk, for one thing. - He graduated Harvard -He may have… Listen, Harvard makes mistakes too. Kissinger taught there -Don't tell me you're jealous -Yeah. Jealous? A little bit. Like Medea -Can I show you something, lady? I have here… I found this in the apartment -Black soap. She used to wash her face times a day with black soap -Don't ask me why -Why don't you go out with other women? -Well, I tried. But it's… you know, it's very depressing -This always happens to me. Quick! Get a broom! -What are you making such a big deal about? They're only lobsters -You're a grown man. You know how to pick up a lobster -- I'm not myself since I stopped smoking. - When did you quit? - years ago -What do you mean? -Mean? -You stopped smoking years ago. Is that what you said? -I don't understand -Are you joking or what? -Central park's turning green -Yeah. I saw that lunatic that we used to see -with the pinwheel hat, you know, and the roller skates -Listen, I… I want you to come back here -Well… Then I'm gonna come out there and get you -What do you mean, where am I? Where do you think I am? -I'm at the Los Angeles airport. I flew in -I… Well, I flew in to see you -Hey, listen. Can we not debate this on the telephone? -Because I feel that I got a temperature -And I'm getting my chronic Los Angeles nausea already. I don't feel so good -Wherever you wanna meet. I don“t care. L”ll drive in. I rented a car. -Lm driving. What do you… -What, is that such a miracle? Lm driving myself. -I'm gonna have the alfalfa sprouts and… -a plate of mashed yeast -You look very pretty -Oh, no. I just lost a little weight, that's all -Well… you look nice -I've been thinking about it, and I think that we should get married -Oh, Alvy. Come on -Why? You wanna live out here? -It's like living in Munchkin Land -What do you mean? It's perfectly fine out here -I mean, Tony's very nice -And… well, I meet people and I go to parties and we play tennis -I mean, that's a very big step for me, you know -I mean, I'm able to enjoy people more -So… you're not gonna come back to New York? -What's so great about New York? It's a dying city. You read Death in Venice. -You didn't read Death in Venice till I bought it for you -That's right. You only gave me books with the word “death” in the title -Cos it's an important issue -Alvy, you're incapable of enjoying life -You're like New York City. You're just this person -You're like this island unto yourself -I can't enjoy anything unless everybody is -If one guy is starving someplace, that's… it puts a crimp in my evening -So you wanna get married or what? -No. We're friends -I wanna remain friends -OK -Check, please! -You're mad, aren't you? -Yes, of course I'm mad. Because you love me. I know that -Alvy,

     6 ) 文藝裝裝就好

    最新一集的《how I met your mother》里面有這樣一段情節(jié):

    Ted找了一個(gè)新女友,Robin阿姨和barney叔叔就在網(wǎng)上人肉這個(gè)姑娘,結(jié)果發(fā)現(xiàn)她酗酒吸毒,前夫是殺人犯之類之類如此如此,而ted最受不了的卻是這個(gè)姑娘不喜歡《安妮霍爾》,她在IMDB給《安妮霍爾》 打了兩星(十星制),評語是“slow and overrated”。兩位人肉人員皆驚訝于Ted竟然忽略其他驚人背景不顧而去在乎一個(gè)《安妮霍爾》的影評。

    為什么是《安妮霍爾》?,這完全是編劇的刻意為之,當(dāng)我看到這段,就想到《盜夢空間》里夢境套夢境最后反映現(xiàn)實(shí)的橋段,《安妮霍爾》里面的艾維辛各到《how I met your mother》的泰德摩斯比再到現(xiàn)實(shí)中的我,這些人就糾結(jié)于這么些問題。

    我之前說過文藝女青年是十分難搞定的女性,其實(shí)所有的文藝青年無論男女都十分難搞定,Ted所表現(xiàn)出來的就是文藝青年或者是文藝青年的進(jìn)化體——知識分子的通病,神交有時(shí)候比性交更加重要。

    我認(rèn)為一個(gè)正常的男青年對有好感的女性應(yīng)該有以下標(biāo)準(zhǔn),腰圍胸圍臀圍的比例是否和諧,面容是否姣好。而一個(gè)文藝男青年(不是冒牌的)會(huì)把看沒看過《肖申克的救贖》當(dāng)作標(biāo)準(zhǔn),并且覺得《肖申克的救贖》已經(jīng)是普羅大眾雅俗共賞的電影了,標(biāo)準(zhǔn)十分的低,假如姑娘張口一句:那是什么?,那么文藝男青年下半身準(zhǔn)備充盈某器官的血液會(huì)立馬回流到大腦,拿來思索這姑娘到底是怎么回事!這可比ED可怕的多。

    這種病真實(shí)存在,只不過沒有像電視劇里的Ted那么夸張而已。我稱這種病為文藝ED。: p

    文藝女和文藝男在一起就能和諧了嗎?看看《安妮霍爾》也并非如此,所以文藝男女青年就是這個(gè)世界上無法解決自身矛盾的一種人。

    我一直認(rèn)為一個(gè)人之所以有優(yōu)點(diǎn)是因?yàn)橛心承┤秉c(diǎn)在支撐,而有缺點(diǎn)是因?yàn)槟承﹥?yōu)點(diǎn)的存在,于是人性辯證統(tǒng)一的成為沒有好壞沒有完美的東西。文藝青年的優(yōu)點(diǎn)造就了這些缺點(diǎn),作為一個(gè)能明確看到這些缺點(diǎn)的人,我就想狡猾的避免掉。我見到稍微有點(diǎn)文藝傾向的人就會(huì)對他們說,裝裝就好,不要太深入。我總是在說自己裝文藝,首先是因?yàn)槲乃囘@個(gè)詞已經(jīng)不是褒義詞了,魚龍混雜的文藝青年們讓這個(gè)詞慢慢的成為了罵人的字眼,并且我也不想成為帶有文藝青年缺點(diǎn)的人,我的自省力一直在推著我遠(yuǎn)離一切的缺點(diǎn)。

    于是我辯證統(tǒng)一的總結(jié)道:神交和性交同等重要。唉,這真是一句屁話。

     7 ) 誰是誰的Annie Hall?

        我們也該放松放松了。一直看沉悶的電影怎么吃得消呢?那感覺就像面對一臺有無數(shù)零部件的龐大機(jī)器,你緊緊地盯著它,試圖弄明白一條或幾條生產(chǎn)線的運(yùn)行軌跡,然而齒輪接齒輪,履帶套履帶,最終你完全被這隆隆作響的大家伙繞得暈頭轉(zhuǎn)向,所有的線路在你頭腦里糾結(jié)在一起,成了一團(tuán)再也理不清的亂麻。

        如果你還在堅(jiān)持,那是你不服輸?shù)墓虉?zhí)在作祟。不如讓我們放松一下,轉(zhuǎn)移你的注意力,試試別的電影。你擁有很多不錯(cuò)的選擇:黑幫片,邪典片,現(xiàn)實(shí)主義電影,黑色片,歌舞片,無厘頭喜劇片……當(dāng)然,因?yàn)槟阋幌虮謬?yán)肅的藝術(shù)評判標(biāo)準(zhǔn),所以你要謹(jǐn)慎對待那些商業(yè)電影,否則一不小心就會(huì)被他們害得惡心,嘔吐,內(nèi)分泌失調(diào)。

        什么?這些沒有你喜歡的?你嘗試著表達(dá)自己的想法,你需要的是那樣一種電影:它表面看上去沒頭沒腦,仿佛就是無意識地把生活中的片斷拼湊在一起,然而卻有源源不絕的新點(diǎn)子刺激著你;它不要講什么大道理,最好是嬉笑怒罵,插科打諢,但其中要有你所感興趣的生活態(tài)度或處世哲學(xué);它不必借用任何突兀的效果就能吸引人,并且具有循環(huán)往復(fù)的魔力,當(dāng)它結(jié)束的時(shí)候,你覺得它剛剛開始……

        好了,好了!不用繼續(xù)說下去了。我知道你要的是什么電影。我這里就為了準(zhǔn)備了一部:伍迪·艾倫的《安妮·霍爾》。

        像你這樣的“文藝青年”,是很容易喜歡上一個(gè)怪怪的女孩的,像安妮·霍爾這樣的女孩。她可能不漂亮,不聰明,不靠譜,但是她有趣,這一點(diǎn)很重要。并不是說她會(huì)講笑話,而是說她具有一種特異稟賦——在你說出某些話時(shí)給你美妙回應(yīng)的笨拙技巧。長久以來,你不就是在尋找一個(gè)能聽懂你說話的女孩么?于是你拼命地向她灌輸你那些沒人聽也沒人懂的理論,把你喜歡的東西(可能就是你在豆瓣上選出的書、電影和音樂)一古腦兒推到她面前,希望她藉此發(fā)掘出整個(gè)的你,盡管你本人就在她面前。呵呵,不對啊,你強(qiáng)烈的擺脫孤獨(dú)、建立交流的渴望變異成了偏執(zhí)的控制欲,她理所當(dāng)然地感到疲倦,你對她的疲倦感到失望,然后你們都感到彼此若即若離……上天特意造就的兩個(gè)如此合拍的人,只好就此分道揚(yáng)鑣。當(dāng)孤獨(dú)感再次襲來,你意識到這個(gè)女孩的寶貴,而你和她的故事,就像生活本身,永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)圓滿。

        很可能你運(yùn)氣不好,從未遇上你的安妮·霍爾,這就越發(fā)證明了生活的不圓滿。你要盤點(diǎn)盤點(diǎn)你自己,看看你是不是有資格成為艾維·辛格。當(dāng)然艾維·辛格會(huì)講笑話,你不會(huì);或者你會(huì),但只會(huì)重復(fù)有限的幾個(gè)。這不是關(guān)鍵,關(guān)鍵是你對人生的感覺是沮喪的還是絕望的。艾維·辛格無疑是前者。他像我們的“文藝青年”一樣憤世嫉俗,看什么都不順眼,一肚子牢騷,但他其實(shí)只是在生活中輕微地發(fā)泄,骨子里他是懂得避讓的,否則他只能是絕望的。他被死亡困擾,但他不被自殺困擾,當(dāng)他坐上安妮患自殺妄想癥的弟弟駕駛的汽車,他差點(diǎn)被嚇?biāo)??;钪浅o趣,但還是要活下去,他是這樣一種人。只有對于這樣的人,安妮·霍爾才具有最大的意義。而對于絕望的人,安妮的意義很容易被扭曲或不具有意義。什么?你已經(jīng)絕望了嗎?那么放棄關(guān)于安妮·霍爾的想法吧。你心中的安妮·霍爾只是一個(gè)幻象,其價(jià)值等同于一把手槍或一根繩子。

        我不能重男輕女,你很可能是一個(gè)女孩,那么我打賭你也在等你的艾維·辛格。現(xiàn)在的女人給我一個(gè)這樣的印象,那就是她們比男人更易于沉醉在一種無聊的生命形式之中。我多么希望世間能有無數(shù)的艾維·辛格,來拯救這些女孩,使她們成為安妮·霍爾;然后這些安妮·霍爾再去拯救男孩,使他們成為艾維·辛格;然后這些艾維·辛格……那樣的話,這個(gè)世界將是艾維·辛格+安妮·霍爾的組合,我也就免了被傻逼們氣炸肺之苦了。我假設(shè)你——一個(gè)有希望成為安妮·霍爾的女孩,現(xiàn)在正徘徊于虛妄與現(xiàn)實(shí)之間,沮喪與麻木之間,哲學(xué)家與豬之間……要之,你處于一個(gè)最需要艾維·辛格的時(shí)刻,然而此時(shí)走到你身邊的男人卻不是艾維·辛格,而是東尼。輕率的女孩啊,你幾乎百分之百地會(huì)立即墮落為一個(gè)平平無奇的女子,從此與成為安妮·霍爾的可能性一刀兩斷。每當(dāng)想到這樣的事情在世界上不停地發(fā)生,我心中便替每一個(gè)你感到無限惋惜。假如此事發(fā)生在一個(gè)男孩身上,他卻不會(huì)因此斷絕成為艾維·辛格的可能啊。

        既然我已經(jīng)開始想象你是一個(gè)女孩,那么我便無法停下來,我堅(jiān)定地認(rèn)為你就是那樣一個(gè)女孩,你處在無數(shù)個(gè)東尼的層層包圍之中,時(shí)刻面臨淪陷的危險(xiǎn)。我迫不及待地想要見到你,救你脫離苦海,我的人雖然坐在這里敲鍵盤,但我的心早已擠過電頻掃描的閘門進(jìn)入電腦顯示器,穿過叢林一般的電路板,進(jìn)入我的網(wǎng)線,然后架著電子訊號飛速駛過千千萬萬條網(wǎng)線縱橫交錯(cuò)的高速公路網(wǎng),拐進(jìn)你那條獨(dú)一無二卓爾不群的網(wǎng)路,趕在你關(guān)機(jī)之前跳到你面前……可是不行,我要先完成這篇文章。我本來打算介紹一下《安妮·霍爾》這部電影的,然而說了半天卻等于什么都沒說。極有可能偶爾看到這篇文章的你已看過這部電影,或者至少了解這部電影,因?yàn)闆]看過或不了解它的人又怎會(huì)被“安妮·霍爾”這個(gè)干巴巴的名字吸引呢?既如此,我再說下去還有什么意義呢?你需要靠你自己的理解力和辨別力去感受這部電影,去買來看吧!不管花什么價(jià)錢,這部電影會(huì)讓你感覺物有所值的。

        不,現(xiàn)在別急著出門,女孩!把電腦開著。我敲完這最后幾個(gè)字,就飛過去和你相會(huì)啊!

     8 ) 《安妮·霍爾》:你真的聽懂TA在講什么嗎

         第一次看《安妮?霍爾》是在...傳播學(xué)理論課上,然后...看到不出十分鐘我就去找周公爺爺下棋了。最近懷著對這位傳播學(xué)老師的無比愧疚,我重新找出這部片子來看??催^之后,開始責(zé)怪自己當(dāng)年的淺薄...
         縱觀伍迪?艾倫的片子,《安妮?霍爾》是他犬儒氣息最重的一部,也是自傳性最強(qiáng)的一部。他把自己和黛安?基爾的這段戀情大膽地?cái)[在舞臺上,剖開自己,審視男女關(guān)系。
         也許真的是男人來自火星,女人來自水星。艾維和安妮也許從來都沒有在同一個(gè)平臺上對話,但是他們是真切地相愛過。
         艾維就是伍迪。伍迪就是艾維。猶太人,身材瘦小,一臉苦相,帶著深度近視黑邊眼鏡,碎碎念的吐槽帝,帶著知識分子的窮酸氣,擅長說單口相聲,迫害妄想癥侯群,喜歡高談闊論“死亡”和“性”,有過兩次失敗的婚姻過著悠然自得的單身生活。
         安妮就是黛安。黛安的真實(shí)名字就是黛安?霍爾,昵稱安妮。她帶著一種親切而灑脫的美,夾雜一種嬉皮士的不羈和無傷大雅的滑稽。影片中,安妮想成為一名歌手,而且,她成功了。
          
        《安妮?霍爾》的故事根植伍迪?艾倫又愛又恨的紐約。紐約是不可非議的世界級大都會(huì)。東北部的鋼鐵工業(yè)讓紐約上空總是霧氣蒙蒙。高樓林立的布魯克林,世界上最最富有的人和最貧窮的人同時(shí)存在于這個(gè)空間里。各種膚色的人只要在這個(gè)城市帶上三個(gè)月就可以稱自己是New Yorker。和南部加州的陽光明媚不同,紐約就是一副苦大仇深、高深莫測的樣子??纯戳甏鷵u滾樂的風(fēng)格就知道了:東北部的曲風(fēng)政治性、嚴(yán)肅性和批判性與南部的歡樂、明朗存在明顯的差異。還有賈斯汀?丁布萊克主演的《炮友》——撇開演技不談——我覺得里面探討的南北差異依舊很有趣。紐約人成熟、霸道、淡定,南方人真誠、開朗、情緒化。安妮覺得到南部去也沒什么不可以,但艾維不行,艾維離不開紐約。
         艾維逼安妮去上成人大學(xué),讀他喜歡的關(guān)于死亡主題的書籍。他犬儒地以為:愛情建立在理性的互通和肉欲的相偕上。殊不知,愛情,有的時(shí)候就是那么荒謬而無邏輯。只要,接受它,就足夠了。
     
         關(guān)于傳播學(xué)有關(guān)的一點(diǎn)是:麥克盧漢出來打了個(gè)醬油~各位看官大可不必管麥克盧漢是誰(雖然這個(gè)老頭被譽(yù)為信息社會(huì)的“先知”,他提出的很多關(guān)于傳媒界的看法十分極端而前衛(wèi),甚至像外星人的觀點(diǎn),但不能不說“地球村”這個(gè)觀點(diǎn),他是始作俑者),但這段情節(jié)您一定看得懂:艾維和安妮在排隊(duì)進(jìn)場看電影,后面一位老兄一直喋喋不休地說著自己關(guān)于電影、導(dǎo)演和傳媒的看法。艾維和他發(fā)生口角,老兄憤憤地自稱自己是某大學(xué)的傳播學(xué)教授,并引用麥克盧漢的觀點(diǎn)來反駁艾維。這是,艾維拉出站在角落里的麥克盧漢。麥克盧漢說,你說的根本不是我的觀點(diǎn)。我根本沒有這樣說。你還是教授呢,哼。
         至此,我想到了羅蘭?巴特。溝通其實(shí)就建立在編碼和解碼上。我們拋出一個(gè)詞、一句話,寫了一篇文章、一本書,別人解讀我們的話。解讀,在某種程度上,即誤讀,是摻雜了個(gè)人經(jīng)驗(yàn)和知識結(jié)構(gòu)的再詮釋。也許,與原作者的意涵已經(jīng)相去甚遠(yuǎn)。但是,不是每次原作者都能跳出來糾正那些和他本意不相符的觀點(diǎn)。所以,作者已死。
         男女之間的溝通,也許也正是如此。
         作為生理和心理結(jié)構(gòu)如此不同的兩個(gè)物種,他們之間的編碼和解碼總是頻頻出錯(cuò)。他們的理性從來沒有真正對等過,但是,在感性層面,他們可以遵從內(nèi)心的欲望相親相愛。
         不覺得,這很神奇么~
     
     
         安妮最終離開了艾維。伍迪和黛安的戀情也告一段落。愛情有自己生老病死的軌跡。誠然睿智如伍迪,也只能聳聳肩,看著曾經(jīng)的愛戀走過馬路,消失在茫茫人海中。
          

     短評

    自傳性/猶太情結(jié)/對生與死、愛與罪、性與欲、道德與責(zé)任的探討/弗洛伊德無意識理論/中產(chǎn)階級知識分子的困惑/片段式結(jié)構(gòu)/畫外音、分屏、長鏡頭、中近景,心理外化,跳出情境,對著鏡頭喋喋不休

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    9分鐘前
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    13分鐘前
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    四星往上,這還真是我看了幾部伍迪艾倫之后感覺最好最愉快的一次了,集各種小清新和小聰明之大成啊。愛情嘛,兜兜轉(zhuǎn)轉(zhuǎn),有時(shí)候就這樣在一起了,有時(shí)候就那樣分開了,永遠(yuǎn)說不清的,再啰嗦都說不清。戴安基頓的衣服真好看!

    15分鐘前
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    20分鐘前
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    22分鐘前
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    27分鐘前
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    34分鐘前
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    39分鐘前
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    42分鐘前
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    43分鐘前
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    44分鐘前
    • mecca
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    45分鐘前
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    48分鐘前
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    52分鐘前
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